Not what I wanted

I suspect at least one other person on the planet as felt like me Okay, I am about to sound like a ridiculously crappy mom.. but just roll with me okay?). When I signed up for this mothering gig  (you did get the sign up sheet didn't you?) I had grandeous dreams of what this would look like.

-I could change diapers, feed babies, have playdates and still keep my passions.
-I would have all this amazing free time to find my passions (since I am still not sure what they are- did I miss that class in college?)
-I would maintain all my friendships, keep my marriage (and all the entails) intimate and amazing.
- I would find all sorts of new mom friends and we would have this amazing community where we could do art projects with little boys and they would love them.
- I was going to take my masters degree and go change the world. I was going to work as a therapist for alternative schools for years. I would change their lives and make a difference.

But it's not all that I saw. In fact I got to a point, in the not so distant past, when I sat down after the boys went to bed and wondered where I had gone. Where is Sarah in this mess? I can see "mom" and I can see "oh honey.." but I can't see ME. The time that I imagined were going to filled with passions were not filled with laundry, dishes, packing school bags, making lunches, cleaning poop and boogers off things poop and boogers should NOT be on.

Wasn't I suppose to take up photography or painting or sewing? Shouldn't I at least be involved in multiple playgroups where I am meeting new friends on a regular basis? Yea- none of that.

I felt pretty darn shitty about myself to be honest. I thought I was worthless. Really? All I am good for is a shirt to wipe snot on, a person to cut up hot dogs and wash the poop off in the tub? Really? Is this all there is to life? There has to be something more? There has to be?

And then I took a breath. I mean a real one. You know what I am talking about don't you. I have seen people who haven't taken a REAL breath in years ... we tend to say "what crawled up their rear ends?". So I took a breath. I stopped my pity party, shut off my brain and took a breath. And realize - YES, this is what I am here for and that's okay. In fact it's more than okay.

I get to change diapers, and kill bugs with little boys, and play pirate in the fort, and eat hot dogs every night for dinner, and watch Elmo, and ram trucks into each other and laugh EVERY TIME,  and refill the tub when little boys pee in it, and calm down tantrums, and stop fights, and take pictures of brotherly love, and make boy noises and animals noises and truck noises and monster noises, and wrestle, and play at the park, and hold hands when things get scary, and give kisses, and tickle, and read the bible (well just Noah over and over and over and over), and sing Jesus loves me while head banging, and clip fingernails, and wipe snot, and dry away tears, and lick my fingers to get breakfast off their face, and drive carpool, and run around the zoo, and let them eat cookies for breakfast when daddy isn't looking....

I have an amazing job. It doesn't pay much. The hours totally suck. But holy geez. This is enough. Do I wish I had more time to take better picture or bake cookies? okay I have NO interest in ANYTHING kitchen- so maybe pictures or puzzles- I do love puzzles? Do I wish I had more of a community of people around me- certainly. But God is working on both of those things in my life . I love my job and I don't take it lightly. God loaned me two little boys. Two men who were put on this earth for such a time as this to share the gospel of Christ and God has trusted B and I to teach them to do that. THAT'S HUGE (just alittle bigger than trying to keep them still enough to change their diapers!).