Friday, October 3, 2014

10 years

Ten years .

Ten years ago I made the decision (okay... my therapist, parents and dietitian... and me) made the decision it is better for me to go into inpatient treatment than to continue living the way I was. 

I thought I was just mildly depressed... maybe a tad insane. But not "sick." The day before I left I went to one of my sweet friend's homes to just be for a second. The anxiety started rearing it's ugly head and she sat, hugged, and whispered "just get on the plane. just get on the plane." 

So I got on the plane and ended up in Arizona. Beautiful Arizona. 

I walked into a room full of sick girls. Their illness was far more apparent than me. Picture a fat girl walking into a concentration camp and trying to say "I belong here." Needless to say I had a hard time, a really really hard time thinking that Remuda Ranch was where I needed to be. The girls around me were getting feeding tubes, couldn't walk much before getting out of breathe and would weep (WEEP) before meal time. I was the only girl at the time that was over weight. How in the world could a fat girl fit in at an Eating Disorder Rehabilitation Center. REALLY? 

Oh, how little I knew about myself. After a ridiculous amount of work, praying, yelling, hitting things, journaling, hitting things, throwing things, yelling, screaming, crying, and throwing some more things I got it. I was broken. Really darn broken. It was at Remuda that I found my faith. It was there that I found out how much I needed a savior. It was there that I found hope. That I found myself. 

There is something in this process that I miss. Taking the time to journal and to just be, Taking the time to really get in touch with my soul, see the woman that God created... get in touch with all the broken pieces... feel life. Truly feel it all. It was a season that was painfully beautiful and precious. 

Then life came... two lives. I love being a mommy. I love runny noses, and dirty toilet seats, and 5am dance parties, and chicken nuggets for the 4th night in a row, and sword fights, and dress up before bed.... I love all of it. 10 years ago, I would have told you that I would hate the idea of both marriage and motherhood. But both have brought parts of my heart alive that I never thought existed

But lets face it-unless you have time for a full time maid, or have more than 24 hours in your day, there simply is very little time for "self care" for mommies. The time for journaling, the time to just be. So for the next 10 years this is my journey. I want to get back to the place where I can be in touch with my soul, where I can feel all the feelings God created us to feel, and still be a present mom. 

Am I alone here moms?I truly believe that if I continue to heal, continue to journal, continue to be, than I would be a better mom. A better wife. A better person. 

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Taking a second...

I so wish I had loads of time to blog about feelings, acitvities, and all the good stuff. Right this second I have enough time to breathe. Maybe. 
So in the meantime I will just upload some randoms. 

I tried to take first day of school pics of the boys and at one point they both grabbed themselves. LOVELY!! I guess it has begun. 

 The boys new very favorite babysitter Drew. Tyler never wants her to go and cries ridiculous alligator tears when she leaves. This particular night he held her money so she would stay.

To all parents who have 3 kids .... WHAT?!?!?! As I am watch my niece I just can't seem to get my act together most days. Except when they are all in swings and happy.

I have been overwhelmed with new jobs this season and honestly haven't been the best mommy. The "mom" part is fine (everyone is dressed, lunches packed, clothes laid out) but face to face fun stuff has gone on the backburner. Sweet Ethan will be my one to call me on it "LOOK AT ME AND PLAY WITH ME... NOW!!!" 



Legoland and Batman- a 3 year olds wonderland! 

These two are the sweetest. Tyler adores both of them, but these two have a special connection for sure. I hope it lasts for years to come. 

Sunday, August 24, 2014

End of the Summer

The end of summer is so bitter sweet for me. I have to admit, I am SO READY to have the kids and I back into a routine. I don't do well without my day scheduled, and I honestly I am a much better mom and wife when my dayplanner is color coded and full. 

However, there have been so many random moments of pure sweetness and fun this summer that I don't often appreciate in those scheduled months. I must learn from these moments. There is love and joy in the comes from the random sporadic fun. I suppose I need to make room on my to do list for "sporadic fun!" No, but really. 

Last week we had a paint party. Throw some paper up on the fence, get the paint out- and ta da!! So fun. 

And then last night we had a dance party. The three of us have daily dance parties, but yesterday was one for the books. Daddy joined us, we turned off the lights and did a rave with glowsticks, and got out all the instruments. I haven't had that much fun in a really long time.  

The typical happens. 
Tyler: " Mommy- dance with me." 
Ethan: "Look at me Mommy... I am a rockstar!? 

And of course Watermelon breaks. 

I will miss this summer. But I am so glad that I soaked in every minute of fun time with them. This year is starting off busy and it's going to be a year of transitions for sure. These years are going by so very fast.

Monday, August 11, 2014


Death is a tough subject with toddlers. Their brains can hardly handle the concept that their teachers don''t live in their school, let alone someone being gone.

Today Ethan explained that the way we were driving looked like he way to Wahado's house (the name of my grandmother who passed away a couple of moms ago).

"Do you remember where I said Wahado was now?"
"Umm... Nope."
"She's in heaven with Jesus."
" that makes me sad... I miss her."
"Me too."

A few minutes later

"Why is she in heaven?"
"Because she dies. And when you love Jesus and die you get to live with Jesus."
" how did she die?"
"Umm... Sometimes when people get older they get really sick..."( I panicked!)
" she should go to Dr Hanig... He always makes me better."
" yep. He does. But sometimes when you get older your body just can't get well and so she went to be with Jesus."

He seems to be okay with my answers.

Tyler " Wahado die?
Ethan " yes."
T- " how did she die?"
E- " she got old and then moved to live with Jesus. . Jesus loved her a lot."
T-  why no bandaid?

What a sweet and innocent heart to think and truly  believe that a bandaid could fix anything. In the midst of all the hurt in the world I think maybe it's time to remember to think like a 2 year old.

-always remember and remind others that Jesus loves us a lot
- we should continue to hold the ones we love dearly in our hearts and in our tongues
- sometimes a hug and a bandaid really can cure the soul
- feel your feelings, jump into them , then move on

My boys teach me more than I could ever teach them. Thanks for he reminder today buddies.

Sunday, August 10, 2014

Cleaning Out the Cloud

Just cleaning out the Cloud and wanted to savor this cute moments. The last couple of days I have had inservice meetings, so Bryan is on full time parenting duty. And of course- on daddy days there are snow-cones and long hours at the park. Who cares if it's 103 degrees??!?! 

And then a should out to these 8 cuties (only missing 1 on the end who was NOT having it this evening). Bryan and I have been praying for a community of believers to share life with for years. And God surely blessed us 10 fold with this bunch. 10 adults and 9 kids makes us a loud and roudy bunch for sure. But there is NO ONE I would rather have on my side then these guys. God knew what he was doing when He created us for community. And honesty- name a cuter bunch of kids! I dare you! 

The best part of the kids picture was seeing that Bryan had captured the moms attempting to get everyone to smile and stay still at the same time. What a mom will do is totally ridiculous for one good picture.