"Not Yet" -- God

It's a funny thing - that Hope. We continue to rely on the hope and understanding that God wants to and will fulfill the desires of our hears. But often times, at leat in the last year of os trying to have a baby, God's answer has been "Not Yet." Not a "no" not a "yes"... a simple and profound "not yet."

In church last week, the priest told a story that he had read in a local magazine. The story is that a local man had a neighbor that one day decided to put a string up in his back yard and try to walk across it. At first it was a foot off the ground, and it took him months of falling off before he finally walked it... then it was 3 feet off the ground... then 10 feet... then 20 feet. Eventually the man decided he wanted to walk between the 2 towers high above the ground.... pushing a wheel barrell. The neighbor asked the man "Are you sure you can do it?" "Do you think I can do it?" the neighbor replied. "Well of course... I saw you start at a foot, and then 3 feet, and slowly work your way up.. I have watched walk across with ease hundreds of times" "Great- then get in the wheel barrell and I will push you across."

But isnt that what God is asking? Isnt God asking us to trust him. To get in the wheel barrell. We watch him perform miracles all the time, but dont trust him when it comes to our own stuff. In the midst of my grief, I am learning to trust Him. I am learning that He is who He says He is.... and to trust him. At the end of the day I think all God wants to know is "Do you trust me?" Do I trust him to make Bryan and I a baby- yes. Do I trust him that He hasnt forgotten us- yes. Do I have to remind myself of this often so i dont forget- yes.

So we keep on trucking- and praying- and trusting that He is who He says He is and that He will push us to safety on the other side.

I will rest in the "not yets" of prayer and hide tight to hope. White knuckeling if i need to.

Am I Alone?

Two more friends pregnant. Am I alone in this struggle with infertility? Somedays it sure feels that way. It feels so draining to be happy for all those around you, as you work to continue to trust that the Lord has plans. I don't even know why I am writing today... maybe just to reach out into the unknown ... reach a hand out to see if someone else feels as I do?

Trusting God and holding the hurt- seems I cant do one without the other lately.

We need to breakup..

I got the idea of "hes just not that into you..." .. but what if we arent talking about a dating a relationship... and we are talking about a friendship.

Okay, so how do you break up with a FRIEND? I understand breaking up a boyfriend. But what about a friend. My friend Katie was right... you can't just say "Lets just be friends" or "It' not you it's me" ... how do you say "goodbye to a friendship that needs to end.

There are times when friendships just outgrow each other. Life keeps on going, years have changed views and opinions. It's not good or bad- it just is. For years, I suppose, I was a hard nut to crack and nothing really got to me. With time, however, I am highly sensitive and friendships with people who are tough and opinionated hurt now.

So how do you break up wiht a friend--- how do you say life has moved on- and i cant have you in it anymore??

Still Holding On

It's a frustrating feeling... the one you hold when you know what God desires of you- when you know your call in life- and God says "Not yet." That's been His answer to most of my prayers lately.
As Bryan and I have been praying for a child, God has taught both of us so very much. I have loved watching with the kiddos from work. He is typically around when I am at work and so I watch him play ball with the boys, talk to the kids about the Lord, and laugh about cartoons.
The little girls from work adore "Big Bryan." During family camp there was a girl attached to him at all times. His patience, kindness, and authenticity with these precious girls has shown me what an amazing father he will be. In fact, for a guy who wanted so desperatly to have boys- I think his heart has changed to wanting little girls. God may want to protect our bank account and bless us with boys. =)
I pray for our future child each and every day. There will be no child more wanted than our future child. In the midst of the grief I let go of myself- the weight gain, no make up, no dress up, no workout. But God asks that we trust him. So, I trust. I have return to taking care of myself and begun to start each day on my knees surrendering my plan to His. I might be white knuckeling it sometime.. but I am holding on.

... wont post again till she can transform from "Negative Nancy" to "Positive Polly!"

White Knuckles

Is it strange that I still think of the baby that we lost? Sometime I stop myself and think 'Gosh sarah... you were barely 3 month... the baby still looked like a blob in there... how could you be so sad?" And yet- I AM! Some days, like today, I am taken back by a wave of grief. There was once a day when I would avoid any feeling like the plague, but today I sit and let it wash over my heart.. I just pray that it doesn't take it down.

Bryan and I want to be pregnant so very badly. We want the blessing of raising a child. The "well intentioned" friends that speak words of "it will come..." " its only been a few months..." "you're still young..." "just dont think about it..." must not have ever been in this place.

There are days when the hope of seeing that pregnant pregnancy test AND still being pregnant at week 13 seems nearly impossible. In fact there are days I so try to convince my heart that I dont want to be a mother... but it doesn't seem to be listening.

My knuckles are turning white as I hold onto the last strain of hope that I have...

How Do you Hold Both?

(1) The knowledge that our God is awesome God!! That he loves because HE IS LOVE! That His ways are alwas best. That His timing isn't always our timing... but its the best. That He wants what is best for his children.

(2) We are still not pregnant. The pain of another month without a baby. The ache to be a mother and father that Bryan and I hold.

Good Intentions Always Seem to Get in the Way

On the day that we got married, Bryan and I swore before God and our families that we would stand side-by-side for the rest of our lives. In good times and in bad, I would be holding his hand and do all in my part to continue to put God in the center of our relationship....

But I don't know about the rest of you, but sometimes life gets in the way and our best intentions lead us astray. I have a job that I adore, but is a "tad" demanding on my time and energy. It makes me upset just thinking of it, but I have allowed my job and ministry stray me away from my time with my adorable husband. He has sat back, been my biggest cheerleader, volunteered to help me, and many a day had to spend time alone because of my strange hours.

When I think about it, Jesus ministry was ALL relationships. It was in the intimacy that He created with others that He really did the "real" work. If I do nothing else in life- I want to be a good wife. I want to be a wife who put her family first and did everything in her power to encourage her husband. I must change my lifestyle to do that.

I love you Bryan. We certainly have already had our fair share of "for worse..." ... may 2009 be the year of the Head and bring us far more "for betters!"

Make A Child Smile

I found this website and think it is so very special. Make a Child Smile Organization it a place where you can find termanilly ill kiddos who need a little happiness. If you go on their website you can find more about each child, their story, and find their address. I urge all of you to find one child to write a note to and dedicate to drop a letter in the mail this week.
http://www.makeachildsmile.org/featured_kids.shtml

The Sunshine of My Days....

Baby Gracie & LIfe in General

My heart is heavy with the death of sweet Baby Gracie. Each day I am surrounded by kids with multiple physical or neurological differences. Many a day I have a toddler with down syndrome wander into my office to admire all the toys I keep in here. With the many sweet babies I see in the office and on multiple blogs, I realize that God bestows babies on parents that can handle it. I never thought I could be one that could handle the loss of a baby, but I am still walking. Bryan and I had long talk last night and realized that we were meant to be parents- WHATEVER THAT LOOKS LIKE. God is a mighty and loving God.. I wil never understand why these sweet babies are born just to suffer or to return to Him to very quickly... but I just trust that He is God and I am not. He has to know more than I do. So, mighty God, Bryan and I are ready to bare your children... and we will love and cherish the little heart that you bestow on us! FOREVER!

Through the Grief

Bryan is the "sound guy" at church, and so during the service he sits up in the catwalk and plays with the sound board. He loves the chance to be able to worship and drink Dr Pepper at the same time. Today, I sat with him. I was in no mood to talk to God at all... or His people. Two more friends had announced their pregnancys, the priest's wife had a precious baby boy on Thursday- and all I could do was see my grief.

The screen that Bryan has to look through to see the service looks like chicken wire with mesh over it. You can see whats going- but it's just a little fuzzy. Then it dawned on me- THATS IT! I have gotten myself stuck on the idea that I have to either be "over the loss" and happy for everyone else, or grief stricken. Maybe I can be both. Maybe I can look at the joy THROUGH the glasses of grief. I can be present and joyful with my friends, as my heart truly rejoices with them for their tiny miracles, and I can still be sad at the loss of our own baby. I can plan and dream with others and still be able to mourn the plans I had with my own little family. And as I can sit with their joy, they can be there to instill a little more needed hope in my heart.


Maybe I should I give up grief for Lent- for God knows the desires of our hearts- He just doesn't always answer how we would like Him to... or when we want Him to.

It's a funny thing...

... that grief. I still don't understand how Charlie Brown could ever call is "Good Grief." Maybe that's a lesson I have yet to learn... cause let's face it.. GRIEF SUCKS! Since the loss of the baby I think I have felt just about every emotion known to man. And when I say "felt it" I mean feel in the deepest way possible.

Somedays life goes on... it's no big deal... its a fluke.... I can have another baby... I felt that and moved on. Than the next, on days much like today, its hard to get out of bed. I isolate from friends with babies or who are pregnant cause I dont want fake it. I know that God isn't a god of fear and wants so desperatly for us to hold on to the HOPE that He has fo rus. He will fulfil the desires of our heart if we are searching after Him. So... for now... for today... at the end of my rope... I will tie a knot and hold on for dear life. I will cling to this knot of hope and pull up every ounce of patience that lies within me.

Praying for Harper

Please pray for this precious girl. http://www.kellyskornerblog.com/

wedding book

View Project at Shutterfly

Hi Friends,

This year I have started to make online scrapbooks. With the economy the way it is, it seems like the the prices it takes to make a "Real" scrapbook are just going through the roof. I enjoy doing the online ones so much that I am starting to do them for others.

These scrapbooks come in many different sizes, pages, and themes. I can make them for any occasion (summer vacation, first year of a child's life, year in review book, birthday gifts, personalized cookbooks... so many ideas. I am started to make one with all the art I have drawn over the years since its just taking up space in the house.

The prices of these books range from $30-100. If you would like one, and just dont have the time to put it together let me know. I have such a passion for them.

L

Doctors Appointments

Well this has been a week of doctors apppointments. Thursday we had Bryan's back doctors check up. It's been nearly 5 months since his surgery and its been amazing to see the transition. Where at one point he was at a 9 on the pain level scale- most days he is at a 1 now. Thank God for Titanium Rods!

Everything is great with him- he can start working out now and feels so much now. We dont have to go back for 5 months. And to top it off- he got clearance for everything (but rollercoaster) for our DisneyWorld trip.

Then we had the OB on Friday to have a checkup after my surgery. I had mixed feelings on going. I wanted to hear that everything was great- but in my heart nothing is great right now. Everything right now everything is "back to normal." The surgery went well, the scars are beginning to heal and my body is beginning to understand that I am not pregnant anymore. As soon as it does- we will be able to try again. I pray that next time we try its going to be just as easy as it was this time. There will be joy to come of this tragedy... its yet to be seen but it WILL happen.

For now I am focusing on all the love I have for my beautiful husband and the vows we took. I am one lucky lady.

Lately

For those who didn't know, I was recently hospitalized with an ectopic pregnancy. I knew something was wrong the whole time I suppose- I was just really hoping Bryan was right and that I was just a worry wart. We were/are heartbroken that the pregnancy didnt keep, and sad that those 2.5 months of planning and getting excited are lost.
Its a weird feeling- Grief. I suppose its a little bit of everything all rolled into one big label. Af=t first I thought for sure it was all just a bad dream. Which turned into disillusion... which turned into anger that all my friends were having healthy babies and I can't.... which turned into desperation and loss.... which turned into sadness... which turned into anger... which turned into hope.... and sometimes all in one day.
I know God will grant Bry and I a baby.... for there is NOTHING in this world I want to do more than to be a mother and Bryan wants so badly to be a father. I just don't know how he will do it or when.
Right now my outlook is bright (the roses from my husband helping to brighten the mood). God is faithful- even when you can't see it. I will hold to that as I walk through these days not feeling him very much.