love fest 2011

One Month

First of all- LOOK AT THOSE CHEEKS! He is certainly gaining

Okay on to the big news- ETHAN IS A MONTH OLD! He isn't suppose to be born or another month but he graced with his sweet heart one month ago today. In fact we are cuddeling on the couch now watching trash tv... great past time between feedings.



- Ethan has learned to swallow like a champ. In fact he is a major eater. We came home with him eating 45 ml every 4 hours- now we are eating 85 ml every 3 hours (occassionally he will go 4 hour stretches at night. =)
- He is the best sleeper- thanks to his preemieness i expect
- He is ridiculously lovable.
- He weights 5 pounds 10 oz

The Path to TODAY

Lost our first pregnancy in 2008...

...tried to get pregnant for 2 years...

...tests, tests and more tests! Heard that
we would never be able to have children...

...found out we were pregnant in fall of 2010...

...diagnosed with Preeclampsia and put on strict bed rest...

...emergency c-section 2 months early...

... over 3 weeks in the NICU...

...home with a 35 week Premie and all new rules..


... and through it all God has been so ridiculously faithful and loving. In the midst of the chaos I certainly didn't see it. There were days (okay often months and years) that I thought that he had forgotten about us. Everyone around us was getting pregnant, raising precious children, and I was struggling to believe that God would be faithful to his promise. But through it all, and through all my whining to Him, he was AMAZINGLY FAITHFUL!

Every mother loves their child, but I think theres something different in the heart of a mom that has struggled so hard to have that child. We don't love our children more, but its IMPOSSIBLE to take any thing for granted. Every little move, face, and breathe are nothing less than a miracle. He shouldn't be here. All the doctors say that we shouldn't be pregnant and all the pediatricians say he shouldn't be home at 35 weeks. This precious soul fought to be here!

My heart LOVES being a mom but my body hates being pregnant. In the last several years I have been in the hospital and told that I was going to die if they didn't take the baby out. I am grateful that this time I got to hold this little blessing. God has a plan in all of it- I'm not sure what it is yet, but i know there is a purpose in all this.

I am simply in ah this morning and can't help but be sentimental.

Taking A Day At A Time

If I have learned one huge lesson throughout the last 5+ weeks of bedrest/hospital stay/NICU experience its that there may be blessings of planning ahead, but honestly all we have is today. God has called us to often times simply be in the moment, take a day a time, and if I dare sound like a high school english teacher- carpe diem. There is simply nothing else we can do but to be here...

So FOR TODAY its a good day. Yesterday Bryan and I had a fabulous day with Ethan. Here are some pictures from our mini love fest.





We prayed for Ethan to learn how to swallow and eat.. and now, after having those prayers answered we are now praying that he learns to eat slow. His new trick is to eat too quickly. That would be fine for a normakl 14 year old boy (sign of whats to come for sure), but for a premie it causes him to have eating apneas (stops breathing, hearts slow down, goes limp) and choking. So we are constantly watching him REALLY carefully as he eats and for minutes afterwards, and are trying to learn new skills in feeding him slowly. In fact the ocupational therapist is coming in this afternoon to teach us new tricks to get him to eat SLOWLY!!

Also this week Ethan reached FIVE POUNDS!! Still a little winzer but he is growing! The sweet nurses made this sign for him. Every ounce counts at the NICU!! in the meantime check out those HUGE feet!!


I am in late in this post- but we had a baby shower for Ethan with my sweet jr high and sr high girls Sunday. It was such a precious treat to share this time with them. It has been these girls that have prayed with me the last 3 years as we have lost pregnancys, prayed for pregnancy, and this entire pregnancy. What a special treat to celebrate with Ethan's little prayer warriors.

Two steps forward...

One step back.

Oh how I hate having a baby in the hospital. I wish I could say something about how much I have loved today- but on the rollercoaster of the NICU today was a total downer. We had expected that he come home yesterday but couldn't needed to prove that he could eat another 24 hours after a day of shots. Which he could easily do! However, he had a bradiacardia last night and this morning which set him up for another 5 days at the hospital.

He had gone over a week without any signs of a brady.. so it was both a dispointment and a scare to see him have 2 in 12 hours. Needless to say when the doctor came in to tell us that he will be here till at least in Monday we had a load of emotions. Upset, sad, dispointed, understanding, scared... We took a time out and drove around. It was a nice break to cry, talk and pray together about the situation.



When having a baby in the hospital you must learn to hold two intense feelings at the same time. But I suppose much of life is this way. Today we learned to hold
- The dispointment and hurt that Ethan wont be home with us for a while.
- And the understanding that God has him right where he needs to be.

After a break we hung out with the little man. Bryan held him all day...he is IN LOVE with his son. There were two expectations!! both grandpas came to visit today. It makes my heart so happy to see these two with him. They are in love with him and will certainly be spoiling him VERY soon.




At the end of the day God is still faithful.. God is still good. He loves this little man and loves Bryan and I. He has put us in this situation for a reason. I don't know it yet, I can't see it in the midst of my frustration and pain... but I hold onto hope. In the meantime of figuring it out I will simply love on my son to the best way I know how.

What does this look like????

YES!! Looks like we are going HOME TOMORROW! At only 34 weeks this little boy will be coming home. I have mixed feelings about this- lets face it I am a hormonal mess. I am ELATED that he is doing so well that he can come home. He is a fabulous eater and sleeper. I am BLESSED that God has taken care of my son. I am SCARED POOP LESS about taking a premie home. I think I would be afraid simply taking home a newborn, however today we went over the rules of what to do and not to do with a premie. I am SAD about losing all the sweet time Bryan and I have with just each other. I know that starting tomorrow we will lose all our time to just be us. I am OVERWHELMED at the idea that this little life is our responsibility- what if i do it wrong? what if i forget all the things the nurses tried to teach me?!?!




I also vowed to not be THAT mom.. the overprotective "dont touch my baby, wash your hands, keep your babies locked in doors" mom... and then I talked to the NICU premie doctor. It looks like I will become that room.

1) Nobody is to hold the baby that works with kids, hangs out with kids, has been sick at all recently, may be sick, and hasnt washed their hands. Even then, the doctor would prefer him not being passed around.

(SERIOUSLY look how small his little bottome is!)

2)He cant be out in public long- and if we do take him out we should put a blanket over the stroller so people don't breathe on him.

3) We need to wash our hands ALL THE TIME- in fact mom stocked our house today with anibacterial wash- there is some in EVERY room of the house.

4) He needs to take his premie vitamins each day! =)

5) No bouncing!! Its natural for people to pick up a baby and rock them- but its not allowed with premies. Their little systems cant take it. So no rocking in my arms, and no bouncy seats.


(Look at that- his bed is finally FLAT!!!)

I have become THAT mom.. I suppose half by forced doctors orders and half because I have a child that should still be inside of me for the next 6 weeks. Once we reach his actual due date than some of the rules change- but looks like he will be taking extra vitamins, food and a couple other precautions for several months to come. Thats okay- God is good and will get us through this!




This guy on the other hand seems to have no issues- he is SO EXCITED to have Ethan home! Look at that smile.

BIG!

E is getting bigger each day.. he is now 4 lbs and 8 oz! I know it sounds small, but for our little 34 weeker - we are excited for each ounce he gains. He also ate 5 out of the 8 feedings from the bottle!! Since last week he was doing 2 out of the 8 this is AMAZING! He has to be able to take ALL his meals from the bottle for at least 3 days before he leaves.. so he is certainly on his way. I must say it makes me feel so good when the nurses are suprised at how well he is doing. I am trying not to get too excited, but he is still so small and I know there is always potential for a bad day... but for today he is GREAT!! =)


I love the weekends because Bryan stays with me all day... so the three of us get to spend the day in our little hospital room. This morning we are watching cartoons and drinking diet cokes. Love our family time.

I suspect this little guy wil be coming home in the next couple of weeks.. so I am going to try to get all the last minute things done that I thought I had a month to do. Finish the nursery, pedicure, clean the hardwoods, finish decorating the living room... Or I will just stay at the hospital and pretend the real world doesnt exsist. =)

I dont want to jinx it...

but Ethan has had 2 really great days in a row. Besides me causing 2 Bradys today-oopss- He has done really well. All the nurses are amazed at what a good eater he is- he is taking the bottle or breastfeeding 4 out of his 8 meals a day. Before he leaves he has to be taking ALL 8 meals via the bottle or breastfeeding. He is on his way.

Today, however, I had a crappy mommy day. During feeding time Ethan has really begun to suck on the nipple of the bottle. That is GREAT-however his little throat can't take that much milk. Premies are not like newborns- they can't moderate their own feeding- so feeing a bottle has to be done at an angle and really moderating how much they are taking in and giving them breaks in between swallows. Its a process for sure. Well- mommy thought this little man was just being an amazing eater and could do 5-7 gulps- NOPE! poor little guy starts to choke- TWICE!!! I felt like a ridiculous failure. I know its a learning curve- but there is somthing in me ( maybe in all moms) that says i should know how to do this.

Also- is it normal to be so MOMMA BEAR with a new born. I dont know if its because he is little and fragile- or if I would feel this way with any baby- but I am RIDICULOUSLY OVERPROCTIVE. I totally recognize it. I won't let anyone hold him but Bryan and myself (and the nurses of cours) till he gets stronger. I know there will be a day soon when he will want to be with everyone else- so for now I simply want to hold him ALL DAY!

Small but MIGHTY

I spy with my little eye-something small and mighty...

God Knew- HALLELUJAH!

Several months ago I made a mix on Itunes called Ethan. I put a random group of sons on there and would listen to them regularly. I havent looked at the list in weeks... and as I opened up the mix tonight I realized ho prophetic this group of songs were... they were a group of songs about Gods faithfulness, lullabies, gods love in the midst of stress and strife. Boy I had no idea what this all meant. My favorite of the songs is Bethany Dillon's Hallelujah... I sing it to Ethan already.

Who can hold the stars
And my weary heart?
Who can see everything?

I've fallen so hard
Sometimes I feel so far
But not beyond your reach

I could climb a mountain
Swim the ocean
Or do anything
But it's when you hold me
That I start unfolding
And all I can say is

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever's in front of me
Help me to sing hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever's in front of me
I'll choose to sing hallelujah

The same sun that
Rises over castles
And welcomes the day

Spills over buildings
Into the streets
Where orphans play

And only you can see the good
In broken things
You took my heart of stone
And you made it home
And set this prisoner free

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever's in front of me
Help me to sing hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever's in front of me
I'll choose to sing hallelujah


And so I finish tonight with a picture of this precious face. He may be little- but this little one is a fighter!

How Preemie Moms Are Chosen

How Preemie Moms Are Chosen
by Erma Bombeck

Did you ever wonder how the mothers of premature babies are chosen?

Somehow, I visualize God hovering over Earth, selecting his instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As he observes, he instructs his angels to take notes in a giant ledger.

"Armstrong, Beth, son. Patron Saint, Matthew.
Forrest, Marjorie, daughter. Patron Saint, Celia.
Rutledge, Carrie, twins. Patron Saint...give her Gerard. He's used to profanity."

Finally, he passes a name to an angel and smiles. "Give her a preemie."

The angel is curious. "Why this one, God? She's so happy."

"Exactly," smiles God. "Could I give a premature baby a mother who knows no laughter? That would be cruel."

"But does she have the patience?" asks the angel.

"I don't want her to have too much patience, or she'll drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wear off, she'll handle it. I watched her today. She has that sense of self and independence so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I'm going to give her has a world of its own. She has to make it live in her world, and that's not going to be easy."

"But Lord, I don't think she even believes in you."

God smiles. "No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect She has just the right amount of selfishness."

The angel gasps, "Selfishness?! Is that a virtue?"

God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she will never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect. She doesn't know it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take for granted a spoken word. She will never consider a step ordinary. When her child says momma for the first time, she will be witness to a miracle and know it. I will permit her to see clearly the things I see-- ignorance, cruelty, prejudice-- and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life because she is doing my work as surely as she is here by my side."

"And what about her Patron Saint?" asks the angel, his pen poised in the air.

God smiles. "A mirror will suffice."

Bradycardias- a lesson in premature babies

This is what I stare at each day..


Each morning I come in to see what has happened the day before. This lovely machine tracks E's heartheart, respatory rate and blood pressure. He keeps tracks of times when his heartrate gets too low (bradycardia) and tracks it. Today we came to the hospital to see that he's had 4 over night. For that age of gestation it's to be expected. However, with that sweet baby out of the womb its a tad stressful to parents (well at least to me) to see that your childs heartheart is dipping down that often. I have to keep reminding myself that he should still be IN me. The positive side is that even though he is having these Bradys he is fixing them on his own without nurse/doctor intervention. The ones this morning were a little too low for nurse comfort however, so they moved his room closer to the nurses desk. BUMMER for me though since I had practically moved in and so had to move all my stuff too (I know selfish- but honestly its a pain in the rear!).

In addition to the Bradys today my blood pressure slowed down tremendously due to my blood pressure meds- so I only spent an hour with the little man and didn't hold him at all. Luckily he has great nurses who have touch time with him. I just called up to the hospital and found out he has taken a bottle at EVERY FEEDING!! AMAZING!! So tomorrow my goal is to learn to feed this little guy more appropriatly.. when I try to give him the bottle he only takes a little bit. Luckily- this is TEAM WORK!!

You Lose Reality and Perspective In Here

Its hard to hold onto reality and perspecitve in the NICU and Special Care. Luckily the majority of the time I hear how big he is getting, and how well he is doing... I begin to think that he will be coming home tomorrow- that he is a "normal" newborn. But that is compared to other NICU babies. Babies down the hall that are 2 pounds at 2 months old. Ethan is back up slowly getting back up to 4 pounds. He is only 33 weeks.. he should still have 7 weeks in me to grow, develop, and learn.

However, reality quickly strikes in those moments when his heart monitor goes off because he has an apnea.. or because his rate gets too low or too high... when the bells and whistles go off and nurses rush into the room. Then out of nowhere I am reminded that he is a premie- that he still has so many things to learn ( like breathing and swallowing).

E certainly is learning and trying new things. This week we are practicing the bottle and breastfeeding. A learning curve for both of us. I am spending my days at the hospital and my nights at home at this point.. soon I will be moving in to the hospital full time.

In the meantime I hang on to moments like this that simply melt my heart.

Moving On Up

It doesn't look like much at first. but these are Ethan's new digs. Maybe a wider room view would help... check this out..



Yepp- today we moved OUT OF THE NICU. It was actually harder on me than i thought. I hated having him in the NICU- but he was so little and fragile that I knew it was the best for him. He had THE BEST NURSES watching him 24 hours a day. So I had a "mild" freak out today when we came to visit him and the doctor wanted to move him to Special Care. He is off everything except his G-tube, but tomorrow he will try to eat out of the bottle. The doctor said he doesnt need the round the clock intense care that NICU has to offer. So Special Care is the "inbetween" nursery. He gets his own room- its a place for him to practice and master eating, get off the Gtube, gain weight.

In order to go home he needs to be COMPLETELY on the bottle and have 5 days without forgetting to breathe (a fun party trick of Ethans!). Starting tomorrow I will likely spend the night with him and practice being a mommy. He has a nurse that checks on him in his room when Bryan and I arent able to be with him. I am in love with this little man and dont want to leave him- but am working on also sleeping as much as I can. When he comes home I wont have the nurses to take over.

I think this guy is a certain fighter!!! =) He is amazing and stronger each day!