Not proud of myself

I am not proud of myself today.

When the boys went to bed tonight I just felt like I failed them.

Nothing big or horrific happened. Nobody went to time out, had a melt down, no spanking, and no yelling.

So i took time to reflect. I had my phone with me all day (something i swore i had given up) and was on it all day. Ethan really wanted me to play puzzles with him  and I said "in a second." Why you ask? Because I wanted to finish looking at pictures of someone I didn't know on Facebook. 

I defiantly told Ethan "no" a lot today. I had no problem saying "no" to cheese balls and corny dogs for breakfast ( although it does sound awesome Ethan!). But I said no to playing, running stopping for a second because ... Well because I didn't want to.

I spent more time worried about my muffin top, planning workout to get rid of it (which I won't do), and wondering why I can't eat cheeseburgers for every meal than being present with my kids. I easily passed E the iPad when I wanted to tune out.

Finally I shook out of this hot mess in time for Ethan's book and prayers. And I a, so glad I did. He is now adding things he is thankful for. He closes his eyes tight, puts his hands together and interrupts my prayers with " Donald Duck... Frogs... Roar ( the lion at the zoo) ... Ty... Jake and Peeka... Amen."

I wasn't the mom I wanted to be today... I wasn't the person I wanted to be today... So I will put my iPad down.. Sneak in to kiss the boys and say some major prayers that God help me start again tomorrow.

Because of the lords great love we are not consumed, for his compassionate never fail. They are new every morning; they are new every morning: great is your faithfulness.
Lamentations 3:22-23

Naked

It's about to get real up in here- get ready? I am about to strip down and get naked- not really naked like this adorable child- but intimate. I am simply having on of those nights. I started this blog thinking it was going to be sarcastic and crude... with a little bit of love and Jesus mixed in. I suppose when I started that's where it was. But now I am in a different place. I am going love and Jesus with a little bit of sarcasm and crude humor.

See- I want people to like me. I REALLY want people to like me. To a fault I think. I look back on my parents who have a ridiculous amount of  close friends or the girls from high school and college who (according to facebook) have a million little mommy groups and couple friends they can call on. I look at my number of friends and PANIC. I start with my routine list of panic questions..."is it because i am too fat?" "am i too weird?" "am i trying to hard?""am I suppose to have all these groups of friends to be a good person?"   I have the self esteem the size of a pea, I question my looks on a regular basis, the demons from my past love to haunt me.

But then I remember something- I am worth fighting for. And there is certainly a fight for me. God created me- he loves me. The devil HATES THAT. Instead of looking at the amazing friends I do have- the women in my life that I can call for ANYTHING the devil says "you don't have enough friends.... but you don't have any friends in your neighborhood so you aren't a good person... you are fat and nobody loves you!" But God knows better. I know better.

When my marriage is amazing and God is bonding me to my sweet Bryan the devil brings up
nobody can really love you.. nobody can love someone who has been abused...". But God knows better. I know better.

When I am on fire for the Lord and working my schedule around attending Bible Study the devil says "you don't need to do that someone else will " "its more important to spend time with your friends." But God knows better. I know better.

I am a hot mess most days- but I am God's hot mess. There is a battle for this mess and I am asking God to win every minute because its easy for my insecurity to take over.

Because God always knows better!

2

 

I can't believe it. This little miracle baby (Bryan called him our car crash baby) turned TWO! I remember the moments I just wanted him to make it an hour. So we celebrating with what I thought was a "toned down party." His first MAY or not have been a little overboard (however I am contemplating doing the exact same things for Tylers... balloon artist and all!), so we decided to just have the playgroup, the grandparents, godparents and our best friends. Later that night we had a family birthday.

 

Ethan LOVED Donald Duck so  we got a stand up Donald Duck and planned a party around it.

 Bryan made the cupcakes... AWESOME!! We only had 8 kids over and they all loved playing outside in fort, swinging, an running around.

 

 

 

No pictures of Ethan right? Yepp- Why? BECAUSE HE WASN'T THERE. Yes. My child, the kid whose birthday it is was in the room with his Lele playing with his toys. I have to say I don't blame him. I always think I want a big party, but when it comes to it I end up wanting to go back into my room and play with my toys. I like my one or two people, a beer or two, and my pajamas (substitute milk for beer and you have Ethan).

So I tried to be a good mom and let him stay in his room... until it was time to blow out his candle. Then I "forced him outside" which as you see didn't really work- and check out the background- Tyler wasn't having it either. My mom was good at trying to tempt him to enjoy himself.

 It doesn't get any better... check out his face. It's as if he is determined to be miserable.

Then it was time to eat--- without knowing it Bryan fed Tyler an ENTIRE CUPCAKE. Needless to say there was a lot of upset tummies that evening.

 

 

 I love two year olds. I have heard a lot of moms complain about this age, but I suppose I like it because often times I feel like a two year old.

They wear their hearts on their sleeves and you know for sure what they are feeling- I want to be the same way (oh hell I am the same way!).

They need their alone time. Every hour or so Ethan goes into his room and shuts the door behind him for a while. I wish mommy's could do the same thing.

They get to eat with their hands ALL THE TIME!And always want to share food that taste good. Who doesn't like to share some good food.

Two is just FUN! I love seeing the world through little eyes. I love everyday just BEING with the boys.. they have no stresses.. they just to get have fun ALL DAY!

 

I love every second with both of my boys... the good.. the bad... the toddler years.

It's these moments I will miss

Every time, no exaggerating, I am at Target with the boys a mom stops me to tell me to enjoy them. Every one of these moms tells me the years go by so fast and they don't know how their boys are 14,22,30...

I know they right. The days may be long, but the years will be fast. I also know they are a huge gift from God, and I don't want to waste a second of the time we have had together.

I have a new rule for myself- NO phone , computer or ipad when the boys are awake. Every second I have with them I want to soak up. It was hard at first , but then at church our pastor said "99% is a beating, 100% is a breeze." And he's right now i just put it up completely. Ethan has figured it out and when i had my ipad out to shoot an email for work (bad mommy) he said "no mommy!"


 I am trying to truly LIVE and soak in this age.

After school last week I took E to Starbucks for milk and a cookie. He just kept saying "oh thank you mommy !" Tyler slept.:)

We met our friend Katie at church for a game of hide and seek.

We go up to the galleria every week before any other kids are there to play.

We snuggle before bed with mommy and Elmo.

We go to the zoo and talk to Gorillas.

God chose us to raise these 2 for such a short time. They are on loan. I want to soak in the blessing. I want to take every minute to make sure they know I love them, bur more importantly GOD lives them.

HULK SMASH

When E was a baby Bryan started calling him HULK. See he was a sweet sweet boy, until he got hungry. Then he would start smashing his tray and grunting. Bryan would then pimp him on by saying "Hulk Smash Hulk Smash Hulk Smash."

 

For his 1st birthday Bryan bought him a Hulk short but he never cared or noticed anything. And then suddenly a month ago he saw a Hulk shirt at Target and started his SMASH again and started whining "hulk  hulk hulk!"

 

 

 

And now suddenly he is throwing tantrums to wear his Hulk shirt (we have now purchased 3 shirts- I think its tacky enough to have him in these shorts let alone dirty ones!).He has a Hulk doll that he takes to school and to the park.He throws fits, FITS, when I say that the shirts are dirty and he cant wear them to bed, school, church, dinner, ANYWHERE (he has worn them to all those places!).

My kid is going to be the weird kid in Kindergarten that wears Hulk shirts EVERY DAY to school. All the cute girls will say "dont you have anything else to wear?' and I am sure his reponse will be "why, yes I do, but why would i want to wear them?"  Oh, dear!!! I guess it could be worse- he could want to wear a Hulk COSTUME everywhere.

Well THAT was useless!

Let's just put it this way... our day started like THIS!

Alright- time to rewind. Heather, one of my sweetest best friends and I thought it would be a GREAT idea to take the kids to the Arboretum to take some pictures with the amazing flowers. We use to bring the kids to the mall and the Arboretum more regularly together when we lived closer, so it was  a sweet treat. We had 4 kids under the age of 3 and thought we could have them sit still for pictures. HAHA! What the heck were we drinking? Bridgette, the 3 year old, may be the only one that sat still for more than 10 seconds at a time.

As seen above Tyler was NOT into this whole thing.. lets see EXHIBIT B

I don't know whose face I love more? Ethan's "GET ME THE HELL UT OF HERE! ARE WE FINISHED YET?!?!" face or Tyler's "PUT ME BACK IN THE DARN STROLLER! NOW!" face.

Heather got a few of her kids but we got NONE in the flowers. I mean really- what were we thinking? I love our friendship though and I love the sweet freindship between these 4 kiddos. We will see how our pictures from next year look.... with 4 under 4!

Ethan loved smelling the flowers- And I HATE that pacifier- I am hoping to break him of this little habit this summer.

Their favorite part of the whole day- looking at ducks... of course!

 

 

Heather snapped this classic- I LOVE little boys. I mean really. Cars socks, hair all over the place, scraped up knees.. nothing better ever.

And of course my sweet blue eyed wonder. He is certainly every bit of 8 months. He is suddenly wanting t be held all the time and lets you know when he's not! Luckily that day he was happy just being in the stroller... ONLY in the stroller.

The only good picture in the flowers! I guess I should have had girls to get good pictures.

And just for laughs... one more to go...

 

 

Not what I wanted

I suspect at least one other person on the planet as felt like me Okay, I am about to sound like a ridiculously crappy mom.. but just roll with me okay?). When I signed up for this mothering gig  (you did get the sign up sheet didn't you?) I had grandeous dreams of what this would look like.

-I could change diapers, feed babies, have playdates and still keep my passions.
-I would have all this amazing free time to find my passions (since I am still not sure what they are- did I miss that class in college?)
-I would maintain all my friendships, keep my marriage (and all the entails) intimate and amazing.
- I would find all sorts of new mom friends and we would have this amazing community where we could do art projects with little boys and they would love them.
- I was going to take my masters degree and go change the world. I was going to work as a therapist for alternative schools for years. I would change their lives and make a difference.

But it's not all that I saw. In fact I got to a point, in the not so distant past, when I sat down after the boys went to bed and wondered where I had gone. Where is Sarah in this mess? I can see "mom" and I can see "oh honey.." but I can't see ME. The time that I imagined were going to filled with passions were not filled with laundry, dishes, packing school bags, making lunches, cleaning poop and boogers off things poop and boogers should NOT be on.

Wasn't I suppose to take up photography or painting or sewing? Shouldn't I at least be involved in multiple playgroups where I am meeting new friends on a regular basis? Yea- none of that.

I felt pretty darn shitty about myself to be honest. I thought I was worthless. Really? All I am good for is a shirt to wipe snot on, a person to cut up hot dogs and wash the poop off in the tub? Really? Is this all there is to life? There has to be something more? There has to be?

And then I took a breath. I mean a real one. You know what I am talking about don't you. I have seen people who haven't taken a REAL breath in years ... we tend to say "what crawled up their rear ends?". So I took a breath. I stopped my pity party, shut off my brain and took a breath. And realize - YES, this is what I am here for and that's okay. In fact it's more than okay.

I get to change diapers, and kill bugs with little boys, and play pirate in the fort, and eat hot dogs every night for dinner, and watch Elmo, and ram trucks into each other and laugh EVERY TIME,  and refill the tub when little boys pee in it, and calm down tantrums, and stop fights, and take pictures of brotherly love, and make boy noises and animals noises and truck noises and monster noises, and wrestle, and play at the park, and hold hands when things get scary, and give kisses, and tickle, and read the bible (well just Noah over and over and over and over), and sing Jesus loves me while head banging, and clip fingernails, and wipe snot, and dry away tears, and lick my fingers to get breakfast off their face, and drive carpool, and run around the zoo, and let them eat cookies for breakfast when daddy isn't looking....

I have an amazing job. It doesn't pay much. The hours totally suck. But holy geez. This is enough. Do I wish I had more time to take better picture or bake cookies? okay I have NO interest in ANYTHING kitchen- so maybe pictures or puzzles- I do love puzzles? Do I wish I had more of a community of people around me- certainly. But God is working on both of those things in my life . I love my job and I don't take it lightly. God loaned me two little boys. Two men who were put on this earth for such a time as this to share the gospel of Christ and God has trusted B and I to teach them to do that. THAT'S HUGE (just alittle bigger than trying to keep them still enough to change their diapers!).

Jesus wasn't kidding...

Jesus wasn't kidding when he said "let the children come to me..." It was brilliant. Children know FAR MORE than we do. At least their hearts know.

We say "God Bless You" at our house and Ethan is now saying "Bless You God" (with the exception of Jake's sneezes.. where in fact he says "Bless you Jake.. Bless you"). I know what he means- but its  a constant reminder (since he doesn't seem to understand the difference between a cough and a sneeze and we all have allergies at the Head house). I will be mad, or at the end of my rope, or step on a lego (AGAIN) and Ethan will suddenly say "Bless you God." Yes sweet boy, we need to bless him in ALL THINGS!

Last night before bed, he took my hand and said "Book? Thank you God?" He was ready for routine- a boy after my own heart. But better still all day today he would randomly say "thank you God" in a sweet innocent voice where I think he was saying it to God himself. And you are right again sweet boy we DO need to thank God all day.

My favorite new thing about saying prayers at night with Ethan is that when I say "Amen" he says "Yeah! Bye God. Bye mom."

May his heart always want to speak his name so much!

A Boy and HIs Dog

There is love like none other at our house...

Its a love that may just be one way....

 

Oh the sweet love between a boy and his "YAKE!"

Proverbs 22:6

Right now Bryan and I are passionate about one big thing- RAISING OUR KIDS TO LOVE JESUS! Easier said than done. I have been a childrens minister for years. I understand how we can do it when the boys can have converstations with me. Heck I have had good conversations and seen the relationship that 3 year olds can have with the Lord.

 

But how can we be INTENTIONAL about our teaching our kids about Christ, to raise boys who long to have a relationship with Jesus, when they are 1 and 2?

 

reading the bible to a moving toddlers... not easy! =)

 

There are some "easy" anwers.

 

Go to Church- we are making sure that the boys know that we are a family that worships together. We attend church on Sundays and make the church a comfortable place for them. Luckily our church has a great playplace that we can play in during the week too to help the boys realize that they can make this their second home.

 

Pray together- Before the bed the boys and I pray together. Its sweet to see Ethan bow his head and do "prayer hands" I am anxious for him to get a little older to tell God himself what he is thankful for. We need to get better and praying before meals.

 

Read- Ethan loves finding Jesus and Noah in his children Bible. We have Bible in every room and I love watching how excited he gets to read it. His favorite book right now is All Afloat on Noah's Boat

 

 

 I read somewhere that said "ask your kids what they think your passions are, if they don't say God in there then its time to reassess." So we are working to make sure our kids know what our passions are. How do we do that? We are back in the word. We found some amazing verses to help us...

 

Deutermony 6:7

Psalm 127:3-5

2 Timothy 3:14-16

and of course

Train up a Child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it. Prov 22:6

 

We are going to mess up- we do on a regular basis. But I dont care if my kids are top of their class, I dont care of they are popular, I don't care if they make the best team- I care that they know and love Jesus. And it's OUR JOB to make that happen. Oh God help me!! =