Still Holding On

It's a frustrating feeling... the one you hold when you know what God desires of you- when you know your call in life- and God says "Not yet." That's been His answer to most of my prayers lately.
As Bryan and I have been praying for a child, God has taught both of us so very much. I have loved watching with the kiddos from work. He is typically around when I am at work and so I watch him play ball with the boys, talk to the kids about the Lord, and laugh about cartoons.
The little girls from work adore "Big Bryan." During family camp there was a girl attached to him at all times. His patience, kindness, and authenticity with these precious girls has shown me what an amazing father he will be. In fact, for a guy who wanted so desperatly to have boys- I think his heart has changed to wanting little girls. God may want to protect our bank account and bless us with boys. =)
I pray for our future child each and every day. There will be no child more wanted than our future child. In the midst of the grief I let go of myself- the weight gain, no make up, no dress up, no workout. But God asks that we trust him. So, I trust. I have return to taking care of myself and begun to start each day on my knees surrendering my plan to His. I might be white knuckeling it sometime.. but I am holding on.