Bryan is the "sound guy" at church, and so during the service he sits up in the catwalk and plays with the sound board. He loves the chance to be able to worship and drink Dr Pepper at the same time. Today, I sat with him. I was in no mood to talk to God at all... or His people. Two more friends had announced their pregnancys, the priest's wife had a precious baby boy on Thursday- and all I could do was see my grief.
The screen that Bryan has to look through to see the service looks like chicken wire with mesh over it. You can see whats going- but it's just a little fuzzy. Then it dawned on me- THATS IT! I have gotten myself stuck on the idea that I have to either be "over the loss" and happy for everyone else, or grief stricken. Maybe I can be both. Maybe I can look at the joy THROUGH the glasses of grief. I can be present and joyful with my friends, as my heart truly rejoices with them for their tiny miracles, and I can still be sad at the loss of our own baby. I can plan and dream with others and still be able to mourn the plans I had with my own little family. And as I can sit with their joy, they can be there to instill a little more needed hope in my heart.
Maybe I should I give up grief for Lent- for God knows the desires of our hearts- He just doesn't always answer how we would like Him to... or when we want Him to.
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