Family of 4

Birthday for 2 year olds are hilarious. They open up toys that they have continuously asked for, play with them for 4 seconds and then start asking for another one. And when given another one, the same routine occurs... "okay.. new toy?"

I am afraid I have acted much like a 2 year old when receiving gifts from God lately.

We prayed, and had a ridiculous amount of people praying for us to just have ONE CHILD. And after sweet Ethan I thanked God hourly for this precious gift. But then we needed Tyler (okay he was a tad of a surprise.. but once I found out I needed him!). And for the last several months I have put my focus off of a heart of Thanksgiving and onto a request for more. More than we won't have.

We will be a family of 4. Don't get me wrong here people, I love my two boys. I never knew love until I had those two little munchers. But I also dreamt of more. When I see their newborn shots there is a stirring in me for "just one more." Oh the feeling of holding one more newborn on my chest. The first time they sing "Jesus loves me" , the responsibility and joy of raising men of God. I won't have that again.  I kept thinking "well maybe..."  and held onto baby clothes and toys thinking maybe my health would turn around or God would just give us ONE MORE miracle. But we are finished. The clothes have been boxed up and sent to new moms who are having precious new baby boys.

Grief is important. I know God that gave us an amazing gift to be able to feel pain and joy. And I have certainly been the stages of grief the last few months as we have come to this conclusion.

But I think, as with any good gift from God, the devil can find a great way to get you. And he can with Grief... he can get you stuck. He can turn that grief into a pity party. Oh, how he loves to get me this way.

Pity Party- Party of 1
That's me.

I will take my focus off of God. A God of healing and miracles who brought two boys who shouldn't be here into this world... and I put all my energy into "WHY GOD.. it's not fair!! I want another one!"

But God.

Oh God.

He is patient with me. ALL THE TIME. God is a god of love and mercy, and second chances, and hope. He wants us to feel, to laugh, to scream, to throw things, to cry- but inevitably to do these things in the confines of his embrace.  He wants us to fall into Him and tell Him what he already knows- that we are broken, fragile people who are sometimes sad when things don't go our way. And he will gently respond, as He has countless times before "It's okay.. I got this."

Our family of 4 is a gift. God has a plan that requires only 4 people at this time. Maybe our home will be open for an adopted child one day... maybe not. But reguardless of the outcome- He is Holy, He is God and He will be worshipped here at the Head house.