The N Word

And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:19

I have prided myself on not needing anything or anyone for a very long time. I have loved the idea that people could need me, but that I had no needs. Bryan once told me that I could live on an island by myself and be perfectly content, and although it first stung my heart I must admit that it also stirred up a sense of pride. As if I had finally reached my goal, when the man who knows me more than anyone realized I don't know ANYONE! Up until recently I have LOVED hearing people say "she's so independent" or "sarah doesn't need our help- she's got this."

But there is one issue with all this- it's not at all how God created us. We all have needs. Even me.

And let me tell you, my soul has known that all along. When we aren't true to our need for relationship with God and with others it will come out sideways and backwards. And I must confess that mine came out  quiet DIRTY.

For more years than I care to admit I have run away from my soul's whisper of  "you need." There was just no way I could understand how anyone could meet my needs... and if they saw my needs there is NO WAY they would ever love me. The second I found myself begin to think "I could really use that friend. I could really use someone to just be with me, to listen, to hug.." I would suddenly cut them off. To mend that emptiness I found food to fill that empty place. But at least I didn't need ANYONE. And let's face it no one would want to be with a fat girl anyway. (I know.. you are jealous of my insanely intelligent motives!). Unfortunately that pattern has continued till this point. Even as an adult I have pushed ANYONE away that I needed too much. And food  has continued to be my companion in my journey to proving to myself that I could in fact live on an island on myself.

I have worked REALLY hard to convince God the same thing. I have continued to attempt to show them how much He needs me (I know.. take a moment to laugh). I have done a lot of things FOR HIM. I don't need him, he needs me. If I have an issue with my body image, with my pain, with my anger, with an eating disorder, with self harm, with intimacy.. I can fix it. I can do one last art therapy project, I can journal just one more page, I can cry that one last tear it will fix it.

But there's one "tiny" issue...


I NEED!


God created me, like he created us all. He created us with huge holes that only intimate relationships with other people can fill and a hole that only HE can fill. We will never be able to fix ourselves... only God can bring us to wholeness. When the boys come to me to hug them, to hold them, to snuggle, to help them put a toy together... I don't think "Man.. they are so needy. I don't want to help them anyone- they need to figure this out themselves." I think "Man... I love them so much. I am so grateful that they know that I am a safe spot to go when they need help or just to rest." I am beginning to understand that God must feel the same way. And my guess is that those around me feel the same way too.

I haven't got my act together. But God's got it. He knows my needs. He knows my addictions. He knows where I need healing. He continues to send people my way that can help me tear down one wall at a time (often just a brick at a time). I need Him. I need you. God is a God who LOVES YOU- who KNOWS YOU- who came to SAVE YOU. We work hard to run from him.. when all we need to do is just SIT down  and let Him know how much we need Him. What peace there is in knowing I can't do any of this myself.

My name is Sarah- and I need.

The LORD will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.

Isaiah 58:11