How Do you Hold Both?

(1) The knowledge that our God is awesome God!! That he loves because HE IS LOVE! That His ways are alwas best. That His timing isn't always our timing... but its the best. That He wants what is best for his children.

(2) We are still not pregnant. The pain of another month without a baby. The ache to be a mother and father that Bryan and I hold.

Good Intentions Always Seem to Get in the Way

On the day that we got married, Bryan and I swore before God and our families that we would stand side-by-side for the rest of our lives. In good times and in bad, I would be holding his hand and do all in my part to continue to put God in the center of our relationship....

But I don't know about the rest of you, but sometimes life gets in the way and our best intentions lead us astray. I have a job that I adore, but is a "tad" demanding on my time and energy. It makes me upset just thinking of it, but I have allowed my job and ministry stray me away from my time with my adorable husband. He has sat back, been my biggest cheerleader, volunteered to help me, and many a day had to spend time alone because of my strange hours.

When I think about it, Jesus ministry was ALL relationships. It was in the intimacy that He created with others that He really did the "real" work. If I do nothing else in life- I want to be a good wife. I want to be a wife who put her family first and did everything in her power to encourage her husband. I must change my lifestyle to do that.

I love you Bryan. We certainly have already had our fair share of "for worse..." ... may 2009 be the year of the Head and bring us far more "for betters!"

Make A Child Smile

I found this website and think it is so very special. Make a Child Smile Organization it a place where you can find termanilly ill kiddos who need a little happiness. If you go on their website you can find more about each child, their story, and find their address. I urge all of you to find one child to write a note to and dedicate to drop a letter in the mail this week.
http://www.makeachildsmile.org/featured_kids.shtml

The Sunshine of My Days....

Baby Gracie & LIfe in General

My heart is heavy with the death of sweet Baby Gracie. Each day I am surrounded by kids with multiple physical or neurological differences. Many a day I have a toddler with down syndrome wander into my office to admire all the toys I keep in here. With the many sweet babies I see in the office and on multiple blogs, I realize that God bestows babies on parents that can handle it. I never thought I could be one that could handle the loss of a baby, but I am still walking. Bryan and I had long talk last night and realized that we were meant to be parents- WHATEVER THAT LOOKS LIKE. God is a mighty and loving God.. I wil never understand why these sweet babies are born just to suffer or to return to Him to very quickly... but I just trust that He is God and I am not. He has to know more than I do. So, mighty God, Bryan and I are ready to bare your children... and we will love and cherish the little heart that you bestow on us! FOREVER!

Through the Grief

Bryan is the "sound guy" at church, and so during the service he sits up in the catwalk and plays with the sound board. He loves the chance to be able to worship and drink Dr Pepper at the same time. Today, I sat with him. I was in no mood to talk to God at all... or His people. Two more friends had announced their pregnancys, the priest's wife had a precious baby boy on Thursday- and all I could do was see my grief.

The screen that Bryan has to look through to see the service looks like chicken wire with mesh over it. You can see whats going- but it's just a little fuzzy. Then it dawned on me- THATS IT! I have gotten myself stuck on the idea that I have to either be "over the loss" and happy for everyone else, or grief stricken. Maybe I can be both. Maybe I can look at the joy THROUGH the glasses of grief. I can be present and joyful with my friends, as my heart truly rejoices with them for their tiny miracles, and I can still be sad at the loss of our own baby. I can plan and dream with others and still be able to mourn the plans I had with my own little family. And as I can sit with their joy, they can be there to instill a little more needed hope in my heart.


Maybe I should I give up grief for Lent- for God knows the desires of our hearts- He just doesn't always answer how we would like Him to... or when we want Him to.