Still Holding On

It's a frustrating feeling... the one you hold when you know what God desires of you- when you know your call in life- and God says "Not yet." That's been His answer to most of my prayers lately.
As Bryan and I have been praying for a child, God has taught both of us so very much. I have loved watching with the kiddos from work. He is typically around when I am at work and so I watch him play ball with the boys, talk to the kids about the Lord, and laugh about cartoons.
The little girls from work adore "Big Bryan." During family camp there was a girl attached to him at all times. His patience, kindness, and authenticity with these precious girls has shown me what an amazing father he will be. In fact, for a guy who wanted so desperatly to have boys- I think his heart has changed to wanting little girls. God may want to protect our bank account and bless us with boys. =)
I pray for our future child each and every day. There will be no child more wanted than our future child. In the midst of the grief I let go of myself- the weight gain, no make up, no dress up, no workout. But God asks that we trust him. So, I trust. I have return to taking care of myself and begun to start each day on my knees surrendering my plan to His. I might be white knuckeling it sometime.. but I am holding on.

... wont post again till she can transform from "Negative Nancy" to "Positive Polly!"

White Knuckles

Is it strange that I still think of the baby that we lost? Sometime I stop myself and think 'Gosh sarah... you were barely 3 month... the baby still looked like a blob in there... how could you be so sad?" And yet- I AM! Some days, like today, I am taken back by a wave of grief. There was once a day when I would avoid any feeling like the plague, but today I sit and let it wash over my heart.. I just pray that it doesn't take it down.

Bryan and I want to be pregnant so very badly. We want the blessing of raising a child. The "well intentioned" friends that speak words of "it will come..." " its only been a few months..." "you're still young..." "just dont think about it..." must not have ever been in this place.

There are days when the hope of seeing that pregnant pregnancy test AND still being pregnant at week 13 seems nearly impossible. In fact there are days I so try to convince my heart that I dont want to be a mother... but it doesn't seem to be listening.

My knuckles are turning white as I hold onto the last strain of hope that I have...

How Do you Hold Both?

(1) The knowledge that our God is awesome God!! That he loves because HE IS LOVE! That His ways are alwas best. That His timing isn't always our timing... but its the best. That He wants what is best for his children.

(2) We are still not pregnant. The pain of another month without a baby. The ache to be a mother and father that Bryan and I hold.

Good Intentions Always Seem to Get in the Way

On the day that we got married, Bryan and I swore before God and our families that we would stand side-by-side for the rest of our lives. In good times and in bad, I would be holding his hand and do all in my part to continue to put God in the center of our relationship....

But I don't know about the rest of you, but sometimes life gets in the way and our best intentions lead us astray. I have a job that I adore, but is a "tad" demanding on my time and energy. It makes me upset just thinking of it, but I have allowed my job and ministry stray me away from my time with my adorable husband. He has sat back, been my biggest cheerleader, volunteered to help me, and many a day had to spend time alone because of my strange hours.

When I think about it, Jesus ministry was ALL relationships. It was in the intimacy that He created with others that He really did the "real" work. If I do nothing else in life- I want to be a good wife. I want to be a wife who put her family first and did everything in her power to encourage her husband. I must change my lifestyle to do that.

I love you Bryan. We certainly have already had our fair share of "for worse..." ... may 2009 be the year of the Head and bring us far more "for betters!"

Make A Child Smile

I found this website and think it is so very special. Make a Child Smile Organization it a place where you can find termanilly ill kiddos who need a little happiness. If you go on their website you can find more about each child, their story, and find their address. I urge all of you to find one child to write a note to and dedicate to drop a letter in the mail this week.
http://www.makeachildsmile.org/featured_kids.shtml

The Sunshine of My Days....