I dont want to jinx it...

but Ethan has had 2 really great days in a row. Besides me causing 2 Bradys today-oopss- He has done really well. All the nurses are amazed at what a good eater he is- he is taking the bottle or breastfeeding 4 out of his 8 meals a day. Before he leaves he has to be taking ALL 8 meals via the bottle or breastfeeding. He is on his way.

Today, however, I had a crappy mommy day. During feeding time Ethan has really begun to suck on the nipple of the bottle. That is GREAT-however his little throat can't take that much milk. Premies are not like newborns- they can't moderate their own feeding- so feeing a bottle has to be done at an angle and really moderating how much they are taking in and giving them breaks in between swallows. Its a process for sure. Well- mommy thought this little man was just being an amazing eater and could do 5-7 gulps- NOPE! poor little guy starts to choke- TWICE!!! I felt like a ridiculous failure. I know its a learning curve- but there is somthing in me ( maybe in all moms) that says i should know how to do this.

Also- is it normal to be so MOMMA BEAR with a new born. I dont know if its because he is little and fragile- or if I would feel this way with any baby- but I am RIDICULOUSLY OVERPROCTIVE. I totally recognize it. I won't let anyone hold him but Bryan and myself (and the nurses of cours) till he gets stronger. I know there will be a day soon when he will want to be with everyone else- so for now I simply want to hold him ALL DAY!

Small but MIGHTY

I spy with my little eye-something small and mighty...

God Knew- HALLELUJAH!

Several months ago I made a mix on Itunes called Ethan. I put a random group of sons on there and would listen to them regularly. I havent looked at the list in weeks... and as I opened up the mix tonight I realized ho prophetic this group of songs were... they were a group of songs about Gods faithfulness, lullabies, gods love in the midst of stress and strife. Boy I had no idea what this all meant. My favorite of the songs is Bethany Dillon's Hallelujah... I sing it to Ethan already.

Who can hold the stars
And my weary heart?
Who can see everything?

I've fallen so hard
Sometimes I feel so far
But not beyond your reach

I could climb a mountain
Swim the ocean
Or do anything
But it's when you hold me
That I start unfolding
And all I can say is

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever's in front of me
Help me to sing hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever's in front of me
I'll choose to sing hallelujah

The same sun that
Rises over castles
And welcomes the day

Spills over buildings
Into the streets
Where orphans play

And only you can see the good
In broken things
You took my heart of stone
And you made it home
And set this prisoner free

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever's in front of me
Help me to sing hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever's in front of me
I'll choose to sing hallelujah


And so I finish tonight with a picture of this precious face. He may be little- but this little one is a fighter!

How Preemie Moms Are Chosen

How Preemie Moms Are Chosen
by Erma Bombeck

Did you ever wonder how the mothers of premature babies are chosen?

Somehow, I visualize God hovering over Earth, selecting his instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As he observes, he instructs his angels to take notes in a giant ledger.

"Armstrong, Beth, son. Patron Saint, Matthew.
Forrest, Marjorie, daughter. Patron Saint, Celia.
Rutledge, Carrie, twins. Patron Saint...give her Gerard. He's used to profanity."

Finally, he passes a name to an angel and smiles. "Give her a preemie."

The angel is curious. "Why this one, God? She's so happy."

"Exactly," smiles God. "Could I give a premature baby a mother who knows no laughter? That would be cruel."

"But does she have the patience?" asks the angel.

"I don't want her to have too much patience, or she'll drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wear off, she'll handle it. I watched her today. She has that sense of self and independence so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I'm going to give her has a world of its own. She has to make it live in her world, and that's not going to be easy."

"But Lord, I don't think she even believes in you."

God smiles. "No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect She has just the right amount of selfishness."

The angel gasps, "Selfishness?! Is that a virtue?"

God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she will never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect. She doesn't know it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take for granted a spoken word. She will never consider a step ordinary. When her child says momma for the first time, she will be witness to a miracle and know it. I will permit her to see clearly the things I see-- ignorance, cruelty, prejudice-- and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life because she is doing my work as surely as she is here by my side."

"And what about her Patron Saint?" asks the angel, his pen poised in the air.

God smiles. "A mirror will suffice."

Bradycardias- a lesson in premature babies

This is what I stare at each day..


Each morning I come in to see what has happened the day before. This lovely machine tracks E's heartheart, respatory rate and blood pressure. He keeps tracks of times when his heartrate gets too low (bradycardia) and tracks it. Today we came to the hospital to see that he's had 4 over night. For that age of gestation it's to be expected. However, with that sweet baby out of the womb its a tad stressful to parents (well at least to me) to see that your childs heartheart is dipping down that often. I have to keep reminding myself that he should still be IN me. The positive side is that even though he is having these Bradys he is fixing them on his own without nurse/doctor intervention. The ones this morning were a little too low for nurse comfort however, so they moved his room closer to the nurses desk. BUMMER for me though since I had practically moved in and so had to move all my stuff too (I know selfish- but honestly its a pain in the rear!).

In addition to the Bradys today my blood pressure slowed down tremendously due to my blood pressure meds- so I only spent an hour with the little man and didn't hold him at all. Luckily he has great nurses who have touch time with him. I just called up to the hospital and found out he has taken a bottle at EVERY FEEDING!! AMAZING!! So tomorrow my goal is to learn to feed this little guy more appropriatly.. when I try to give him the bottle he only takes a little bit. Luckily- this is TEAM WORK!!

You Lose Reality and Perspective In Here

Its hard to hold onto reality and perspecitve in the NICU and Special Care. Luckily the majority of the time I hear how big he is getting, and how well he is doing... I begin to think that he will be coming home tomorrow- that he is a "normal" newborn. But that is compared to other NICU babies. Babies down the hall that are 2 pounds at 2 months old. Ethan is back up slowly getting back up to 4 pounds. He is only 33 weeks.. he should still have 7 weeks in me to grow, develop, and learn.

However, reality quickly strikes in those moments when his heart monitor goes off because he has an apnea.. or because his rate gets too low or too high... when the bells and whistles go off and nurses rush into the room. Then out of nowhere I am reminded that he is a premie- that he still has so many things to learn ( like breathing and swallowing).

E certainly is learning and trying new things. This week we are practicing the bottle and breastfeeding. A learning curve for both of us. I am spending my days at the hospital and my nights at home at this point.. soon I will be moving in to the hospital full time.

In the meantime I hang on to moments like this that simply melt my heart.

Moving On Up

It doesn't look like much at first. but these are Ethan's new digs. Maybe a wider room view would help... check this out..



Yepp- today we moved OUT OF THE NICU. It was actually harder on me than i thought. I hated having him in the NICU- but he was so little and fragile that I knew it was the best for him. He had THE BEST NURSES watching him 24 hours a day. So I had a "mild" freak out today when we came to visit him and the doctor wanted to move him to Special Care. He is off everything except his G-tube, but tomorrow he will try to eat out of the bottle. The doctor said he doesnt need the round the clock intense care that NICU has to offer. So Special Care is the "inbetween" nursery. He gets his own room- its a place for him to practice and master eating, get off the Gtube, gain weight.

In order to go home he needs to be COMPLETELY on the bottle and have 5 days without forgetting to breathe (a fun party trick of Ethans!). Starting tomorrow I will likely spend the night with him and practice being a mommy. He has a nurse that checks on him in his room when Bryan and I arent able to be with him. I am in love with this little man and dont want to leave him- but am working on also sleeping as much as I can. When he comes home I wont have the nurses to take over.

I think this guy is a certain fighter!!! =) He is amazing and stronger each day!