waving the white flag- i surrender

James - YIKES! This book of the book is kicking my rear end.

My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry (1:19)

I mean are you kidding??

Okay let me rewind... ..

Hello, my name is Sarah and I have an anger problem. A quick to speak problem. A sailor's mouth. All of which I thought were endearing characteristics about myself at some point in my life. However, as I am searching and cleaning my soul out, as I am longing to have a deeper relationship with Christ I am realizing NONE of those things are endearing. I mean honestly no one would see anything reflecting Christ if they heard me cursing out the teenage drivers in front of me on their cell phones, or heard as I gossiped about my coworkers, or saw my temper with my kids, or felt my hard heart on days when a toddler steps on my foot for the 12,545,354 time.

I have had a Bible study on James in my closet for years! I bought it while I was still a youth minister to do with my girls, but never got around to it. And I realized a few weeks ago that I wasn't being good about diving into the scriptures (meaning I haven't opened it except during church in months), so I pulled it out to keep me accountable. Well, God certainly knew what He was doing. Every part of this book of the bible is a jab at my heart.

I keep telling myself however, if I can just figure out how to change this part of myself I will have this down. If I can just tame my tongue and stop being angry, then I will GLOW with the love of God and I can think about getting baptised..I actually journaled that if I could just figure out when I started getting angry and foul mouthed than I can psychoanalyze it all away and God would be so proud.

I know better- I know there is nothing that I can do- well my heart does.. but my head things different. Jill Phillips has some lyrics that go ...

If it were up to me

to pull myself out of this place

a failure is what I would be

without your grace

 

I have hit the point that Christians across the world have felt as they hit their bottom. I thought after a stint in rehab, years in therapy, a 12 step program, years of infertility.. that I had hit my bottom. Those were all painful, but unfortunately I still had power in it... even if it was fake. I could psychoanalyze, do the program, do the tests, do IUIs.. there were things I COULD DO. With my anger, my tongue, my heart- there is NOTHING I can do. NOTHING. Eventually I think we all realize there is nothing we can do to be better without him. It is easy to keep on being angry, keep on cursing, keep on (fill in your sin). But in order to live a WHOLE life you have to realize you are totally empty and SURRENDER. So for tonight I surrender to the fact that left my own devices I will curse when I am angry, I will be angry a lot, I will yell at my kids when they ask where their pacis are for the 1453 time in a hour, I will be quick to speak and slow to listen... and I will surrender. And tomorrow I will arise and surrender AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN.

 

 

I surrender

I surrender

I surrender