Denying Love

Ethan is in a stage of great independence. Every sentence in this house starts with "mine" or "me self" or "now." He knows what will make him happy (fruit loops and pepperoni s at 10am) and will do anything to get it.

He also knows what he doesn't want. And at this point it's mommy kisses. At night when we are snuggling watching our nightly episode of Fresh Beat Band (because nothing says bedtime like obnoxious 20!somethings singing loudly about bananas in fluorescent outfits) I will lean in to kiss him. I whisper I love you as I see that precious little clean boy face. As soon as I back away he looks at me, whiles it off and says "no mommy kisses.. Fresh beat band!" Are you kidding?

Suddenly whenever I want to kiss him he wants to "wipe off kiss."

I simply want to love him. I want to tell him he's cherished. I want to tell him I'm proud of the way he did the puzzle by himself. I want to tell him even though be bit his brother he's still my little boy and always will be. But.. He doesn't want it. It's not the right time.

I find that God wants to do the same thing. At night, once the boys go to bed, I start going I to manic mommy mode. It's time to do the last load of laundry, the dishes, pack lunches, take a shower, finish up lesson plans... And God wants to sit with me and simply tell me he loves me. He wants me to open the Word and tell me that even though I wasn't his perfect daughter today I am still HIS and he loves me. He wants to tell me he's proud of me. But it's not the right time.. So I brush off the feeling and tell him we will talk later.

I want to be more like Tyler today. I want to sit and soak up the snuggles and kisses. I want to run. To Him like he runs to me for hugs. I want to need Him today like babies need their mommies.