How we got here..

I am reflecting tonight, on my 9th day of hospital bedrest, on how we got to this point. After hearing we couldn't have babies, Ethan was our miracle child. Bryan and I were excited to have one child and had setteled on the idea that Ethan would be our little buddy and only child forever. Soon after my 31st birthday party, I realized that I just wasn't feeling right (and it wasn't the 3 margaritas I had to celebrate either). When Ethan was napping and Bryan was at work I took a pregnancy test (well 3 of them) and all came out with two solid lines! I began to weep.. not out of joy, not of despair, but out of a pit in my stomach that said "YIKES!!!" I called Bryan at work. Through my tears I just kept saying "I am pregnant... I am pregnant... Holy Crap... I am pregnant!" Poor Bryan I am sure it through him for a loop as much as it through me and he had to go back to work. We got right in to see the OB since I am a high risk patient. The first sonogram showed no baby. That's right NO BABY! With all these ridiculously senstive pregnancy tests, the baby wasn't even visable. This meant that I either had an early miscarriage or it simply hadn't formed big enough yet. So we came back a week later. and the baby was visable, but the heartbeat was too slow (95 when it needed to be 120). Once again there was potential for another miscarriage. ANOTHER week later I came back and the heartbeat was fine and strong. What a rollercoaster!! The beginning of this pregnancy was HORRID. I was sick all the time, and with a toddler who wanted to play and climb and move all the time- this became a difficult time for both of us. Wake up, throw up, fix Ethan breakfast, take a break to throw up, play for a while, throw up... By Ethans birthday I was feeling better and we found out we were having another BOY!! I was beyond excited. I love little girls, but I have always dreamed of having boys. By 30 weeks, we all thought that I had gotten out of the preeclampsie go around. We got all the plans made for going to 40 weeks and I relaxed in knowing we werent in a rush. And then by 32 weeks, it came back. The darn thing. The tough, and yet easy decision, this made for Bryan and I is that we are officially done having children. With each round of "P" it risks the life of the baby and my own life. At any point we could lose the baby, I could have a stroke or lost kidney function. I think God calls us to trust him AND to be wise. Our wise decision is to be finished having children. Now, if God calls us to have a bigger family, than we will then begin our prayers to adopt. I am sad to think this may be it, but know that it's simply not worth the risk and am RIDICULOUSLY THANKFUL for the two healthy boys that God has given us (after years of being told we wouldn't have ONE child!). So here I am, laying down at the hospital for a potential of another 3 weeks. God has a plan in this for all of us. Right now its hard for Bryan and myself (ethan is so super easy and loving spending time with Moke and Diesel, Mrs Julie and Madeline). I miss my boys, Bryan hates not seeing Ethan during the week, and both of us are having a rough time asking others for help. But it is allowing both of us time to rely on others, rely on God, and just to go day by day. In the meantime- I spend a lot of time on facetime with my boys... seriously precious.