The other day, after getting upset that yet someone else got pregnant after trying for only a month, Bryan asked if I could ever be happy for someone else? At first, it hurt my feelings.. okay lets be honest I was mad. I am happy when my family and friends get pregnant. My heart truly does jump with excitment when someone says "I'm pregnant!"
But lets also be honest about grief. I have found that only women who have walked this road, can understand the insanity and rollercoaster that comes with this kind of grief. Only women who have walked this road can understand the guilt that comes when you believe your body can't do what it is created to do. Its the other women that understand the anger that comes when you see yet another 12 year old on food stamps 9 months pregnant at the Walmart.
It's difficult to be both honest with others and honest with myself. In order to be honest with myself and to be honest with others... that means getting mad or sad at an in appropriate time. It means having to explain yourself and ask for forgiveness. But- to not be truthful with yourself when you're grieving just gets things sticky and everything comes out sidesways and backwards.
So- I am going to chose to be honest and deal wtih the outcome. I will likely cry again in the grocery line when i see that another young celebrity in a fake relationship had a beautiful baby boy. I will like think, or whisper, some snide remark at the 12 year old mothers at Walmart and then have to quickly ask for forgiviness from my husband and the Lord. I will likely have a meltdown if another friend or family member gets pregnant after she first starts crying...
But thats grief... sticky, uncomfortable, authentic, animalistic, selfish, real.
And this too shall pass.
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