9 years

9 years ago I had a lovely heart to heart with my then therapist. She told me that I could see her and work on my stuff for another 10 years, or go to rehab and cut my time by half. After a sturn "HELL NO!" from my lovely potty mouth, the question became a very strong urge. That day we called Remuda Ranch, found out they had 1 bed left, snatched it up and then worked for the next 2 days to figure out all the details. My life changed that August. And I can't believe it's been 9 years.

An eating disorder inpatient rehab is full of characters- I am talking "Orange is the New Black" type of characters.. except that the title should have been something like "fat is the new skinny" or "crazy is the new black." I walked in that first day and though I was in the twilight zone. I was the only bulimic in the world of anorexics. They swore to me that it is usually 50/50, but that I just came at a weird time when the primary population was anorexic. Once they went through my bags and took all sorts of objects that I never though were dangerous (... lotion? What in the world could I do dangerous with lotion?) I began to meet my roommates. There was a group of 10 of us that were there for the 80 days I was there. Many came in and out, but 10 of us stuck together for sure.

P- the girl that only wore pink. I am not just talking about a pink tank top with jeans. I am talking about pink shirt with pink skirt, with pink shoes, and pink hairbows. I don't even know if its possible to do what she did.

Jennifer- the stereotypical Orange County girl

Q-the girl who "didn't have a problem" she just didn't like to eat.

K-the sweetest of them all. my one true friend. the one i could sneak into the big room with to watch tv, the only one i could truly complain to and the one who helped me get through family week.

And K- the one girl all girls are both drawn to and terrified of. Always taking cigarette breaks, massive issues with meds, the one that got me in trouble on countless times.

This was a more than challenging time. It was a time when I got to see my pain in a palpable form. It was the first time I met Jesus face to face. It was the place my faith and m recovery started. It was heart wrenching, difficult, and on some days just down right horrible.

But there were times when I wish we had a video camera.. .

Like when K pulled her feeding tube straight out of her nose in front of our dietitian. WHAT? Or when we got someone to get us panty hose when they were in town on parents weekend and we put them over our heads and snuck into the staff meeting to scare them. Or when K pulled my pants off and went running to the barn with them with me running pants-less behind her.

Oh dear.

What is more important than the crazy stories is THE story. The story of GRACE, REDEMPTION and FORGIVENESS that happened in That sacred place in Wickenburg.

I thought there was no way God could love a liar, a thief, an addict, a wounded body and a hot mess like me. I was not a good person... I had hurt a lot of people, lost the trust of my family and friends. So, in my heart I thought God was totally out of reach.

So, one afternoon I came to the cross at the ranch and told God how much I was mad at Him. And to my shock, he handled it. He loved me. He held me. I gave my life to Christ and the Gospel came to life.

Things didn't go perfect from then on. People didn't suddenly trust me, I didn't suddenly stop having urges to return to my old ways... But God was bigger. And I trusted that.

God saved a wretch like me. He pursues me. He was jealous for me. He redeemed my story.

Happy 9th Anniversary Jesus.

Summer Pics

Iphone purging time...

My sweet little blondie 

Fun trip to the Perot Museum with Moke.

Off to see the dinasaurs

Holding hands in the car. These two are certainly true brothers- loads of wrestling, pulling, screaming, but always end the day holding hands. 

We've spent almost every weekend at the pool. E loves his swimmers. He can jump in the deep end by himself. 

And of course the obligatory bath tub picture. A little one-on-one basketball game after dinner. 

Denying Love

Ethan is in a stage of great independence. Every sentence in this house starts with "mine" or "me self" or "now." He knows what will make him happy (fruit loops and pepperoni s at 10am) and will do anything to get it.

He also knows what he doesn't want. And at this point it's mommy kisses. At night when we are snuggling watching our nightly episode of Fresh Beat Band (because nothing says bedtime like obnoxious 20!somethings singing loudly about bananas in fluorescent outfits) I will lean in to kiss him. I whisper I love you as I see that precious little clean boy face. As soon as I back away he looks at me, whiles it off and says "no mommy kisses.. Fresh beat band!" Are you kidding?

Suddenly whenever I want to kiss him he wants to "wipe off kiss."

I simply want to love him. I want to tell him he's cherished. I want to tell him I'm proud of the way he did the puzzle by himself. I want to tell him even though be bit his brother he's still my little boy and always will be. But.. He doesn't want it. It's not the right time.

I find that God wants to do the same thing. At night, once the boys go to bed, I start going I to manic mommy mode. It's time to do the last load of laundry, the dishes, pack lunches, take a shower, finish up lesson plans... And God wants to sit with me and simply tell me he loves me. He wants me to open the Word and tell me that even though I wasn't his perfect daughter today I am still HIS and he loves me. He wants to tell me he's proud of me. But it's not the right time.. So I brush off the feeling and tell him we will talk later.

I want to be more like Tyler today. I want to sit and soak up the snuggles and kisses. I want to run. To Him like he runs to me for hugs. I want to need Him today like babies need their mommies.

Tyler's Birthday

Having a July birthday is rough with little kids. It's HOT in Texas in July, so we decided to do an early birthday party. And with an early birthday party comes donuts and milk of course. We went all out on Ethan's 1st, and I realized afterward that 1 year olds don't care. Lets face it, the first birthday is for the parents. So we asked over the people that are actively involved and close with Ty and our family.. skimmed down to the food to donuts and IT WAS A BLAST!!! We told everyone to wear their jammies too. Next time I am going to make it mandatory.

We found a donut shop that does AMAZING donuts. We had footballs, people, kitties, M&M, cream filled, sprinkles, apple fritters, footballs, jelly filled, and cookies and cream donuts. Not to mention donut holes on sticks. Too fun. And so super easy.

We tried to do a family pictures BEFORE the party started, but these 2 wanted nothing to do with it. So at least Bryan and I look cute. The other ones were looking at grandpa.

The bouncehouse lended it self to HOURS of entertainment.

Everyone had fun playing on the bouncehouse- the best investment we have made for sure!!

 

My sister, the sweetest aunt possible to my precious niece Hannah. These two are long time friends for sure.

 

He could not wait to eat his donut.. so the candle was a bust. Btu who cares- the kid loves to eat!

 

 

Sweet Ty playing piano with Ethan

 

These two WILL NOT take a normal picture. I have a feeling that 30 years from now our two boys will be doing the same thing.

waving the white flag- i surrender

James - YIKES! This book of the book is kicking my rear end.

My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry (1:19)

I mean are you kidding??

Okay let me rewind... ..

Hello, my name is Sarah and I have an anger problem. A quick to speak problem. A sailor's mouth. All of which I thought were endearing characteristics about myself at some point in my life. However, as I am searching and cleaning my soul out, as I am longing to have a deeper relationship with Christ I am realizing NONE of those things are endearing. I mean honestly no one would see anything reflecting Christ if they heard me cursing out the teenage drivers in front of me on their cell phones, or heard as I gossiped about my coworkers, or saw my temper with my kids, or felt my hard heart on days when a toddler steps on my foot for the 12,545,354 time.

I have had a Bible study on James in my closet for years! I bought it while I was still a youth minister to do with my girls, but never got around to it. And I realized a few weeks ago that I wasn't being good about diving into the scriptures (meaning I haven't opened it except during church in months), so I pulled it out to keep me accountable. Well, God certainly knew what He was doing. Every part of this book of the bible is a jab at my heart.

I keep telling myself however, if I can just figure out how to change this part of myself I will have this down. If I can just tame my tongue and stop being angry, then I will GLOW with the love of God and I can think about getting baptised..I actually journaled that if I could just figure out when I started getting angry and foul mouthed than I can psychoanalyze it all away and God would be so proud.

I know better- I know there is nothing that I can do- well my heart does.. but my head things different. Jill Phillips has some lyrics that go ...

If it were up to me

to pull myself out of this place

a failure is what I would be

without your grace

 

I have hit the point that Christians across the world have felt as they hit their bottom. I thought after a stint in rehab, years in therapy, a 12 step program, years of infertility.. that I had hit my bottom. Those were all painful, but unfortunately I still had power in it... even if it was fake. I could psychoanalyze, do the program, do the tests, do IUIs.. there were things I COULD DO. With my anger, my tongue, my heart- there is NOTHING I can do. NOTHING. Eventually I think we all realize there is nothing we can do to be better without him. It is easy to keep on being angry, keep on cursing, keep on (fill in your sin). But in order to live a WHOLE life you have to realize you are totally empty and SURRENDER. So for tonight I surrender to the fact that left my own devices I will curse when I am angry, I will be angry a lot, I will yell at my kids when they ask where their pacis are for the 1453 time in a hour, I will be quick to speak and slow to listen... and I will surrender. And tomorrow I will arise and surrender AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN.

 

 

I surrender

I surrender

I surrender



 

 

 

July 4th

We had a fabulous July 4th weekend. Bryan had vacation the week before so the kids were on a daddy high for sure. These boys are both daddy's boys and love EVERY SECOND they get with him. A whole week had them on sugar highs ALL THE TIME! Tyler is turning 1 next week (more birthday shanangansto come next week), and Bryan and I decided to gift both boys with a bouncehouse. And what an amazing gift it has been. We opened it up a tad early and we have played in it EVERY NIGHT this week.

 

Not quite big enough for daddy but he found a way to play too.

 

Ethan was beside himself excited. He ran around yelling "BOUNCE HOUSE! BOUNCE HOUSE!"

 

We now have a circus in our backyard. It's a tad ridiculous, but worth it!

 

Even mommy gets to get in!

 

These boys are ALL BOY- they want to be outside, climbing trees, running, climbing, and now BOUNCING! I am pretty sure (as long we one of them doesnt put a huge hole in it... this will be fun for years to come.

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 On the 4th, Bryan had to work so I took the boys over to my Aunt and Uncle's house. It was so fun to be with the family, eat a ridiculous amount of food, and play around in the pool. The boys were in the 4th of July outfits my mom bought (I know Tyler looks like Gary Busey when he has bad hair and a fake smile- but he's MY GARY BUSEY!).

 

 

Tyler is teething right now, pretty sure it must be at least 4 teeth at a time with his attitude, so here are the only non-crying shots we got (all taken within one minute). He's cute when he's not crying.

 

 

Ethan was perfectly fine recieving an abnormal amount of attention. Both of my aunts spent plenty of time lvoing on this little booger.

 

 

He loves fritos--- A LOT!

 

At  one point, however, he wasn't getting enough attention I suppose and started putting the blueberries into his ears. Before I asked him to take them out I quickly snapped this sucker. And for all of you curious- YES- he took them right out of his ears and ate them.

 

Tyler got his workout in with climbing stairs. Now they he can walk, there is no slowing him down.

 

I loved our time with family and I love in time I can get with my sweet family.