It's a funny thing - that Hope. We continue to rely on the hope and understanding that God wants to and will fulfill the desires of our hears. But often times, at leat in the last year of os trying to have a baby, God's answer has been "Not Yet." Not a "no" not a "yes"... a simple and profound "not yet."
In church last week, the priest told a story that he had read in a local magazine. The story is that a local man had a neighbor that one day decided to put a string up in his back yard and try to walk across it. At first it was a foot off the ground, and it took him months of falling off before he finally walked it... then it was 3 feet off the ground... then 10 feet... then 20 feet. Eventually the man decided he wanted to walk between the 2 towers high above the ground.... pushing a wheel barrell. The neighbor asked the man "Are you sure you can do it?" "Do you think I can do it?" the neighbor replied. "Well of course... I saw you start at a foot, and then 3 feet, and slowly work your way up.. I have watched walk across with ease hundreds of times" "Great- then get in the wheel barrell and I will push you across."
But isnt that what God is asking? Isnt God asking us to trust him. To get in the wheel barrell. We watch him perform miracles all the time, but dont trust him when it comes to our own stuff. In the midst of my grief, I am learning to trust Him. I am learning that He is who He says He is.... and to trust him. At the end of the day I think all God wants to know is "Do you trust me?" Do I trust him to make Bryan and I a baby- yes. Do I trust him that He hasnt forgotten us- yes. Do I have to remind myself of this often so i dont forget- yes.
So we keep on trucking- and praying- and trusting that He is who He says He is and that He will push us to safety on the other side.
I will rest in the "not yets" of prayer and hide tight to hope. White knuckeling if i need to.
