... wont post again till she can transform from "Negative Nancy" to "Positive Polly!"

White Knuckles

Is it strange that I still think of the baby that we lost? Sometime I stop myself and think 'Gosh sarah... you were barely 3 month... the baby still looked like a blob in there... how could you be so sad?" And yet- I AM! Some days, like today, I am taken back by a wave of grief. There was once a day when I would avoid any feeling like the plague, but today I sit and let it wash over my heart.. I just pray that it doesn't take it down.

Bryan and I want to be pregnant so very badly. We want the blessing of raising a child. The "well intentioned" friends that speak words of "it will come..." " its only been a few months..." "you're still young..." "just dont think about it..." must not have ever been in this place.

There are days when the hope of seeing that pregnant pregnancy test AND still being pregnant at week 13 seems nearly impossible. In fact there are days I so try to convince my heart that I dont want to be a mother... but it doesn't seem to be listening.

My knuckles are turning white as I hold onto the last strain of hope that I have...