The N Word

And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:19

I have prided myself on not needing anything or anyone for a very long time. I have loved the idea that people could need me, but that I had no needs. Bryan once told me that I could live on an island by myself and be perfectly content, and although it first stung my heart I must admit that it also stirred up a sense of pride. As if I had finally reached my goal, when the man who knows me more than anyone realized I don't know ANYONE! Up until recently I have LOVED hearing people say "she's so independent" or "sarah doesn't need our help- she's got this."

But there is one issue with all this- it's not at all how God created us. We all have needs. Even me.

And let me tell you, my soul has known that all along. When we aren't true to our need for relationship with God and with others it will come out sideways and backwards. And I must confess that mine came out  quiet DIRTY.

For more years than I care to admit I have run away from my soul's whisper of  "you need." There was just no way I could understand how anyone could meet my needs... and if they saw my needs there is NO WAY they would ever love me. The second I found myself begin to think "I could really use that friend. I could really use someone to just be with me, to listen, to hug.." I would suddenly cut them off. To mend that emptiness I found food to fill that empty place. But at least I didn't need ANYONE. And let's face it no one would want to be with a fat girl anyway. (I know.. you are jealous of my insanely intelligent motives!). Unfortunately that pattern has continued till this point. Even as an adult I have pushed ANYONE away that I needed too much. And food  has continued to be my companion in my journey to proving to myself that I could in fact live on an island on myself.

I have worked REALLY hard to convince God the same thing. I have continued to attempt to show them how much He needs me (I know.. take a moment to laugh). I have done a lot of things FOR HIM. I don't need him, he needs me. If I have an issue with my body image, with my pain, with my anger, with an eating disorder, with self harm, with intimacy.. I can fix it. I can do one last art therapy project, I can journal just one more page, I can cry that one last tear it will fix it.

But there's one "tiny" issue...


I NEED!


God created me, like he created us all. He created us with huge holes that only intimate relationships with other people can fill and a hole that only HE can fill. We will never be able to fix ourselves... only God can bring us to wholeness. When the boys come to me to hug them, to hold them, to snuggle, to help them put a toy together... I don't think "Man.. they are so needy. I don't want to help them anyone- they need to figure this out themselves." I think "Man... I love them so much. I am so grateful that they know that I am a safe spot to go when they need help or just to rest." I am beginning to understand that God must feel the same way. And my guess is that those around me feel the same way too.

I haven't got my act together. But God's got it. He knows my needs. He knows my addictions. He knows where I need healing. He continues to send people my way that can help me tear down one wall at a time (often just a brick at a time). I need Him. I need you. God is a God who LOVES YOU- who KNOWS YOU- who came to SAVE YOU. We work hard to run from him.. when all we need to do is just SIT down  and let Him know how much we need Him. What peace there is in knowing I can't do any of this myself.

My name is Sarah- and I need.

The LORD will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.

Isaiah 58:11

Just a normal week at the Head House

Nothing big is happening around the Head house. God is just continuing to bless us as we pursue him. One of the biggest blessings lately has been the joy around here. It's a joy we haven't ever seen. And this joy brings about nonsense like this. 

Let me introduce King Monkey Ninja... 

He might be big and tough.... 

... but don't worry prince Ethan got him!!! 

It aint over till everyone is dirty!!!

Bored? 

Cold outside? 

Extra shaving cream? 

PERFECT! 

A little work on writing our E's, on self expression (haha) and self control. I love these days. 

Resolution my butt... literally.

Alright ladies and gents... here it is...

(yes I put a picture of my child on here instead of myself- shoot me!)

I have gained 15 pounds this year. And for a 5'3 girl- that's a lot.

I have a love hate relationship with food. And with my body for that matter.

I understand the magic of it. The weird complexities that God put in there to make it all work just right. It really is amazing. I know the woman's body is a miracle in and of itself to bare a child and then feed it. I look at my scars and my stretchmarks and try to remember where they came from... I should likely tattoo the faces of the boys on there so I can remember and no be grossed out. But that would just be totally weird.

I understand healthy eating too. I may not do it, but I know it. I have been to a nutritionist for enough years to know all that my body needs. I know how to listen to my body... and unfortunately I know how NOT to.

I look at other moms of small children who come to MDO dropping off their children and think "holy geez. not only are her children put together this morning, but she looks great and put together. Did I even brush my hair this morning?" To be honest- I don't get it. Somehow I have lost the energy and some days the will power to take time for myself- to diet, to exercise, to put on makeup. It's not a pity party ... I just got into the mindset that my life needed to be my children. And with the combination of exhaustion and survival the choice of cooking healthy vs Chipotle is an easy one. The choice of making myself look cute vs just getting out of the door in time seems an easy one too.

Young mothers can so easily lose themselves. We can get so caught up in life, in our kids, in our jobs, in taking care of the laundry- AGAIN!!, that self care goes by the wayside. Quiet time becomes a HUGE DEAL if it gets done even once or twice a week. A workout? Does that include chasing the children around the house? And the good moms have a home cooked dinner on the table each night... but Lord knows that doesn't happen every night at the Head house.

So my goal for 2014-to be DELIBERATE!! I want to make sure that I take care of myself. That a couple days a week I doesn't look like I rolled out of bed. I am going to make sure that I do quiet time EVERY DAY- because  I know if I am not right with the Lord I am not right when anyone! I am gong to slowly start changing and adding to my self care regime so that I am proud of my body by the time swimming suit season starts... NO that does not mean I expect to be a size 2, but I need to change my views on my body.. and possible one less bad of peanut butter M&Ms a month. =) I am going to be deliberate about taking care of mommy because if everyone knows..

if mama aint happy aint NOBODY happy!

2013

Me: 2013 sucked. But 2014 is the year of the Head... I just know it.

Bryan: No. It's the year of the Lord.

Me: Okay cheese ball.. and I will rejoice in it, but I just know this is our year. 

Bryan: That's what we have said last year and look where it brought us. Let's just surrender this one to God and see what happens. 

________________________________________________________________________

I have complained a lot in 2013. Needless to say this has been our Exodus year at the Head house. It's been a year of struggle, of questions, or God's soft whispers.. overall a year in the desert. I was speaking with a friend today, and realizing that most of what I talk about with my girlfriends lately is complaints.

When my heart is stressed and anxious, I stray away from thanking God. Heck, I often stray away from thinking about God. It's certainly NOT as God intended and certainly not what I want.. My goal for 2014 is a year of revival. We need God to come uproot our anxiety and stuck hearts and turn our world upside down. But I have to do my part too. And my part is to have my eyes open to what He's doing NOW- amongst the chaos. I lose the daily blessings when I am stuck focusing on the yearly plan.

So here are some of my favorite daily blessings from 2013...

A dad that LOVES our boys and these 2 that worship their dad. 

A BOUNCE HOUSE! The best investment ever. And all the ample hours the boy sand I spent just wasting time and making memories. 

And this cheesy grin. 

First Birthday Parties

Piles of Leaves- LOADS of piles of leaves

Vacations at the beach

and pizza nights, and playdates, and learning, and a church the boys love to go to, and a Bible study filled with women who challenge me, and parents who watch my boys and love them more than I ever thought possible, and endless trips to the park, and a school that the boys LOVE... 

Maybe 2013 wasn't that bad at all. 

To potty or not to potty

Well , it's official. Ethan is officially DE-potty trained. Well that isn't completely true, because he would have had to be have been potty trained for him to do this.. .

Okay, let's begin on Wednesday.

We had planned weeks ago that Ethan was ready to use the potty. He knew what it meant as most of his friends at school and church were or were in the process of starting potty training. He got ridiculously excited when we passed the underwear at Target.

He knew that after Christmas we were going to give all of our diapers to Tyler and start getting in underwear.

So, after searching out  A LOT of advice, I decided to just go ahead and put him in underwear and ask him to tell me when he needed to go. I let him have a ridiculous amount of juice boxes and bribed him with toys and candy. I am not above bribery!! 

The first morning was tough, but I knew it would be. He didn't want to sit on the potty, but when he did eventually settle down and sit he asked me to sing the alphabet (WEIRDO). After "z" he would pee and I would do a ridiculous peepee dance and bring on the candy! 

The second morning, I realized he had stayed dry all night. "HE HAS IT!" I thought to myself, but oh was I wrong. This is the kid that yells "I WANT TO GO HOME the second he walks into a party, the kid that closes his ears and playdates, the kid that loves musicals over cartoons, the kid that dips all his food in ranch, the kid that says "bologna" instead of "cheese" when a camera comes out.... nothing was going to be NORMAL! 

So, he was dry... I was excited... but when I asked to change him  into diapers he FREAKED OUT! He didnt want to go potty, he didn't want diapers. He held it ALL DAY, refused to drink, and would cry when I put him on the potty (even with the ABCs). 

At one point he climbed up onto the changing table and said "I AM NOT A BIG BOY! I am a baby and I need a diaper." Bryan and I figured he just wasn't ready, that he likely didn't know when he was peeing and we would start this again during spring break. 

But Friday we realized we have a total weirdo. Ethan wanted only diapers, but REFUSED to pee in his diaper. He had learned that peeing in the underwear was wrong,  but he was terrified of the potty. THAT'S RIGHT LADIES AND GENTS- our son is afraid of diapers and the potty. I was for sure his bladder would explode. He would start crying, pace back and forth and ask me to hold him. I knew he had to go, but you cant make someone pee. I told him it was okay to pee in his diapers or the potty, but that his tummy didn't feel good because he was holding it. 

This continued through Sunday.. thats right... crying, wailing, bribery, frustration, tears, holding it and total fear of both going in the potty or peeing his diaper. He figured out how to hold it (which is awesome), figured out how to listen to this body (which is great) but out totally weird kid couldn't figure how to let it out. 

So- we "DE-POTTY TRAINED" little Ethan. I told him if he ever wanted to go on the potty to just ask, but that it was okay for now to go in his diaper. For whatever reason he finally "got it" it this afternoon... he looked at me and said 

"Yea mommy- I am still only 2." 

good point kiddo... good point

Christmas 2013

Oh Christmas. This year it simply doesn't feel like Christmas. I wish that I could say that I had the Christmas spirit, but I simply didn't. With a short season between Thanksgiving and Christmas, Bryan being gone all the time with UPS, and the kids being sick it just seamed to be a month of control chaos.

But within that month we sure as heck had moments of sweet delight.

Like sweet hugs from brothers when I actually had my camera out. 

Like when Ethan chose blue for the cupcakes for Jesus Birthday because "Jesus likes blue" 

Like when Hulk and Tyler had a stand off and staring contest. 

Or like when Bert and Ernie went around on Christmas giving everyone kisses. 

Like when Uncle Jeff would get the boys upside down WHENEVER they asked. 

Like snuggles with Diesel. 

Like seeing Trains at Northpark with Moke and Diesel

Like posing in the middle of the chaos. 

So, maybe I missed the opportunity behind the camera to feel what I feel now that I see the pictures. Maybe it's time to live on the other side of the camera this week.