It's a funny thing...

... that grief. I still don't understand how Charlie Brown could ever call is "Good Grief." Maybe that's a lesson I have yet to learn... cause let's face it.. GRIEF SUCKS! Since the loss of the baby I think I have felt just about every emotion known to man. And when I say "felt it" I mean feel in the deepest way possible.

Somedays life goes on... it's no big deal... its a fluke.... I can have another baby... I felt that and moved on. Than the next, on days much like today, its hard to get out of bed. I isolate from friends with babies or who are pregnant cause I dont want fake it. I know that God isn't a god of fear and wants so desperatly for us to hold on to the HOPE that He has fo rus. He will fulfil the desires of our heart if we are searching after Him. So... for now... for today... at the end of my rope... I will tie a knot and hold on for dear life. I will cling to this knot of hope and pull up every ounce of patience that lies within me.

Praying for Harper

Please pray for this precious girl. http://www.kellyskornerblog.com/

wedding book

View Project at Shutterfly

Hi Friends,

This year I have started to make online scrapbooks. With the economy the way it is, it seems like the the prices it takes to make a "Real" scrapbook are just going through the roof. I enjoy doing the online ones so much that I am starting to do them for others.

These scrapbooks come in many different sizes, pages, and themes. I can make them for any occasion (summer vacation, first year of a child's life, year in review book, birthday gifts, personalized cookbooks... so many ideas. I am started to make one with all the art I have drawn over the years since its just taking up space in the house.

The prices of these books range from $30-100. If you would like one, and just dont have the time to put it together let me know. I have such a passion for them.

L

Doctors Appointments

Well this has been a week of doctors apppointments. Thursday we had Bryan's back doctors check up. It's been nearly 5 months since his surgery and its been amazing to see the transition. Where at one point he was at a 9 on the pain level scale- most days he is at a 1 now. Thank God for Titanium Rods!

Everything is great with him- he can start working out now and feels so much now. We dont have to go back for 5 months. And to top it off- he got clearance for everything (but rollercoaster) for our DisneyWorld trip.

Then we had the OB on Friday to have a checkup after my surgery. I had mixed feelings on going. I wanted to hear that everything was great- but in my heart nothing is great right now. Everything right now everything is "back to normal." The surgery went well, the scars are beginning to heal and my body is beginning to understand that I am not pregnant anymore. As soon as it does- we will be able to try again. I pray that next time we try its going to be just as easy as it was this time. There will be joy to come of this tragedy... its yet to be seen but it WILL happen.

For now I am focusing on all the love I have for my beautiful husband and the vows we took. I am one lucky lady.

Lately

For those who didn't know, I was recently hospitalized with an ectopic pregnancy. I knew something was wrong the whole time I suppose- I was just really hoping Bryan was right and that I was just a worry wart. We were/are heartbroken that the pregnancy didnt keep, and sad that those 2.5 months of planning and getting excited are lost.
Its a weird feeling- Grief. I suppose its a little bit of everything all rolled into one big label. Af=t first I thought for sure it was all just a bad dream. Which turned into disillusion... which turned into anger that all my friends were having healthy babies and I can't.... which turned into desperation and loss.... which turned into sadness... which turned into anger... which turned into hope.... and sometimes all in one day.
I know God will grant Bry and I a baby.... for there is NOTHING in this world I want to do more than to be a mother and Bryan wants so badly to be a father. I just don't know how he will do it or when.
Right now my outlook is bright (the roses from my husband helping to brighten the mood). God is faithful- even when you can't see it. I will hold to that as I walk through these days not feeling him very much.

You can't pick your family....

Just a little thought--- you can't pick your family. God does that and somedays I question his thinking... but reguardless you might as well apreciate them for what they are.

So I have been tagged so here are 7 random facts about me:

1) I can't sit down and relax if cabinet doors are open/there is dust/or the kitchen is dirty. I have grown more and more obsessed with this lately...to Bryan's pure annoyance.. but I seriously can not relax if I look and there is dust on the coffee table. And living with 2 dogs that shed does not leave much time for relaxation.

2) I often have fashion shows with myself (and if they are lucky.. my dogs). Especially at the beginning of a season I get out ALL my old clothes and try things on- typically prancing in front of the mirror to Pink or Aerosmith.

3) I will not eat casserole leftovers, Diet Coke from a can, or milk.

4) I LOVE Mariska Hargitay!

5) I have had my baby names picked out for 10 years. Bailey Grace and Parker Daniel. Bryan hates Parker... so its back to the drawing board.

6) I throw away half drunk cans/cups if I think they are making a table looking messy... this also annoys Bryan when he gets up to walk the dogs and comes home to no more Mountain Dew.

7) I have an extreme fear of ferretts and rats! It's weird. I will have nightmares that keep me up about little hairy rodents... AHH!! GROSS!!!

I now tag

Mandy
Melissa

God's Faithfulness.. in the midst of my uncertainty

Well I have been a mess about Bryan's promotion. ALthough my words say that I trust in God's faithfulness, sometimes my heart wants to (and does) take back the reigns and take charge of the situation when I dont feel He is working fast enough. But- once again He is proven Soverign and Faithful. We have been praying for healing for Bryans back (check), a safe return to work (check), and now his promotion (check). He aced his managment test and will be having his board interviews soon for fulltime UPS manager. Better yet- it sounds like we will be able to stay in the DFW area! So many blessings- although undeserved I am beyond thankful. And thankful for a husband who points out to me that it's not of our doing, but of Gods!!