When anyone is going through infertility treatment, its a "hurry up and wait" process. Hurry and get all your paperwork finished, rush to the doctor and then "if you could just wait two weeks than we will know what we are dealing with." So I live most of my life "in the meantime.." I suppose we all do. We are often between life changing moments in our life.
So, in the meantime
- I am thankful for a husband who is my cheerleader and number one fan when I feel the world falling out beneath me.
- I am thankful for a group of amazing friends who constantly keep me laughing and joyful.
- I am thankful for a family that enjoys being with each other and that is always there for support.
- I am thankful for a job that I can go to everyday to tell little ears about the love of the Lord.
- and I am thankful for God who's plan is ALWAYS INFINATLY BETTER THAN MINE!
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Months away... I hope
The other day, after getting upset that yet someone else got pregnant after trying for only a month, Bryan asked if I could ever be happy for someone else? At first, it hurt my feelings.. okay lets be honest I was mad. I am happy when my family and friends get pregnant. My heart truly does jump with excitment when someone says "I'm pregnant!"
But lets also be honest about grief. I have found that only women who have walked this road, can understand the insanity and rollercoaster that comes with this kind of grief. Only women who have walked this road can understand the guilt that comes when you believe your body can't do what it is created to do. Its the other women that understand the anger that comes when you see yet another 12 year old on food stamps 9 months pregnant at the Walmart.
It's difficult to be both honest with others and honest with myself. In order to be honest with myself and to be honest with others... that means getting mad or sad at an in appropriate time. It means having to explain yourself and ask for forgiveness. But- to not be truthful with yourself when you're grieving just gets things sticky and everything comes out sidesways and backwards.
So- I am going to chose to be honest and deal wtih the outcome. I will likely cry again in the grocery line when i see that another young celebrity in a fake relationship had a beautiful baby boy. I will like think, or whisper, some snide remark at the 12 year old mothers at Walmart and then have to quickly ask for forgiviness from my husband and the Lord. I will likely have a meltdown if another friend or family member gets pregnant after she first starts crying...
But thats grief... sticky, uncomfortable, authentic, animalistic, selfish, real.
And this too shall pass.
But lets also be honest about grief. I have found that only women who have walked this road, can understand the insanity and rollercoaster that comes with this kind of grief. Only women who have walked this road can understand the guilt that comes when you believe your body can't do what it is created to do. Its the other women that understand the anger that comes when you see yet another 12 year old on food stamps 9 months pregnant at the Walmart.
It's difficult to be both honest with others and honest with myself. In order to be honest with myself and to be honest with others... that means getting mad or sad at an in appropriate time. It means having to explain yourself and ask for forgiveness. But- to not be truthful with yourself when you're grieving just gets things sticky and everything comes out sidesways and backwards.
So- I am going to chose to be honest and deal wtih the outcome. I will likely cry again in the grocery line when i see that another young celebrity in a fake relationship had a beautiful baby boy. I will like think, or whisper, some snide remark at the 12 year old mothers at Walmart and then have to quickly ask for forgiviness from my husband and the Lord. I will likely have a meltdown if another friend or family member gets pregnant after she first starts crying...
But thats grief... sticky, uncomfortable, authentic, animalistic, selfish, real.
And this too shall pass.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Hope- but not too much
I am having a really tough time with holding onto hope. I am hopeful that God will provide a child for us. I am hopeful that our doctor knows what he is doing and will do all that he can to make IUI work for us. But I also fall into so much joy and excitment that I get afraid that i will disappointed. How do you do that? How do I get excited that FINALLY we have answers... FINALLY we have a procedure.... and yet I dont want fall into sorrow again if this doesnt work. Does anyone else feel like this? Overwhelmed- loads of overwhelmed-ness!
Thursday, January 28, 2010
An Answer
YEA! Answers. After tons of testing, praying, grieving, giving up and picking ourselves up again... WE HAVE AN ANSWER. And its no big deal and so easy to deal with. So starting in March Bryan and I will have our first IUI. Now our prayers is for it to work and stick the first time
Sunday, November 15, 2009
"Not Yet" -- God
It's a funny thing - that Hope. We continue to rely on the hope and understanding that God wants to and will fulfill the desires of our hears. But often times, at leat in the last year of os trying to have a baby, God's answer has been "Not Yet." Not a "no" not a "yes"... a simple and profound "not yet."
In church last week, the priest told a story that he had read in a local magazine. The story is that a local man had a neighbor that one day decided to put a string up in his back yard and try to walk across it. At first it was a foot off the ground, and it took him months of falling off before he finally walked it... then it was 3 feet off the ground... then 10 feet... then 20 feet. Eventually the man decided he wanted to walk between the 2 towers high above the ground.... pushing a wheel barrell. The neighbor asked the man "Are you sure you can do it?" "Do you think I can do it?" the neighbor replied. "Well of course... I saw you start at a foot, and then 3 feet, and slowly work your way up.. I have watched walk across with ease hundreds of times" "Great- then get in the wheel barrell and I will push you across."
But isnt that what God is asking? Isnt God asking us to trust him. To get in the wheel barrell. We watch him perform miracles all the time, but dont trust him when it comes to our own stuff. In the midst of my grief, I am learning to trust Him. I am learning that He is who He says He is.... and to trust him. At the end of the day I think all God wants to know is "Do you trust me?" Do I trust him to make Bryan and I a baby- yes. Do I trust him that He hasnt forgotten us- yes. Do I have to remind myself of this often so i dont forget- yes.
So we keep on trucking- and praying- and trusting that He is who He says He is and that He will push us to safety on the other side.
I will rest in the "not yets" of prayer and hide tight to hope. White knuckeling if i need to.
In church last week, the priest told a story that he had read in a local magazine. The story is that a local man had a neighbor that one day decided to put a string up in his back yard and try to walk across it. At first it was a foot off the ground, and it took him months of falling off before he finally walked it... then it was 3 feet off the ground... then 10 feet... then 20 feet. Eventually the man decided he wanted to walk between the 2 towers high above the ground.... pushing a wheel barrell. The neighbor asked the man "Are you sure you can do it?" "Do you think I can do it?" the neighbor replied. "Well of course... I saw you start at a foot, and then 3 feet, and slowly work your way up.. I have watched walk across with ease hundreds of times" "Great- then get in the wheel barrell and I will push you across."
But isnt that what God is asking? Isnt God asking us to trust him. To get in the wheel barrell. We watch him perform miracles all the time, but dont trust him when it comes to our own stuff. In the midst of my grief, I am learning to trust Him. I am learning that He is who He says He is.... and to trust him. At the end of the day I think all God wants to know is "Do you trust me?" Do I trust him to make Bryan and I a baby- yes. Do I trust him that He hasnt forgotten us- yes. Do I have to remind myself of this often so i dont forget- yes.
So we keep on trucking- and praying- and trusting that He is who He says He is and that He will push us to safety on the other side.
I will rest in the "not yets" of prayer and hide tight to hope. White knuckeling if i need to.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Am I Alone?
Two more friends pregnant. Am I alone in this struggle with infertility? Somedays it sure feels that way. It feels so draining to be happy for all those around you, as you work to continue to trust that the Lord has plans. I don't even know why I am writing today... maybe just to reach out into the unknown ... reach a hand out to see if someone else feels as I do?
Trusting God and holding the hurt- seems I cant do one without the other lately.
Trusting God and holding the hurt- seems I cant do one without the other lately.
Monday, June 15, 2009
We need to breakup..
I got the idea of "hes just not that into you..." .. but what if we arent talking about a dating a relationship... and we are talking about a friendship.
Okay, so how do you break up with a FRIEND? I understand breaking up a boyfriend. But what about a friend. My friend Katie was right... you can't just say "Lets just be friends" or "It' not you it's me" ... how do you say "goodbye to a friendship that needs to end.
There are times when friendships just outgrow each other. Life keeps on going, years have changed views and opinions. It's not good or bad- it just is. For years, I suppose, I was a hard nut to crack and nothing really got to me. With time, however, I am highly sensitive and friendships with people who are tough and opinionated hurt now.
So how do you break up wiht a friend--- how do you say life has moved on- and i cant have you in it anymore??
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