An Answer

YEA! Answers. After tons of testing, praying, grieving, giving up and picking ourselves up again... WE HAVE AN ANSWER. And its no big deal and so easy to deal with. So starting in March Bryan and I will have our first IUI. Now our prayers is for it to work and stick the first time

"Not Yet" -- God

It's a funny thing - that Hope. We continue to rely on the hope and understanding that God wants to and will fulfill the desires of our hears. But often times, at leat in the last year of os trying to have a baby, God's answer has been "Not Yet." Not a "no" not a "yes"... a simple and profound "not yet."

In church last week, the priest told a story that he had read in a local magazine. The story is that a local man had a neighbor that one day decided to put a string up in his back yard and try to walk across it. At first it was a foot off the ground, and it took him months of falling off before he finally walked it... then it was 3 feet off the ground... then 10 feet... then 20 feet. Eventually the man decided he wanted to walk between the 2 towers high above the ground.... pushing a wheel barrell. The neighbor asked the man "Are you sure you can do it?" "Do you think I can do it?" the neighbor replied. "Well of course... I saw you start at a foot, and then 3 feet, and slowly work your way up.. I have watched walk across with ease hundreds of times" "Great- then get in the wheel barrell and I will push you across."

But isnt that what God is asking? Isnt God asking us to trust him. To get in the wheel barrell. We watch him perform miracles all the time, but dont trust him when it comes to our own stuff. In the midst of my grief, I am learning to trust Him. I am learning that He is who He says He is.... and to trust him. At the end of the day I think all God wants to know is "Do you trust me?" Do I trust him to make Bryan and I a baby- yes. Do I trust him that He hasnt forgotten us- yes. Do I have to remind myself of this often so i dont forget- yes.

So we keep on trucking- and praying- and trusting that He is who He says He is and that He will push us to safety on the other side.

I will rest in the "not yets" of prayer and hide tight to hope. White knuckeling if i need to.

Am I Alone?

Two more friends pregnant. Am I alone in this struggle with infertility? Somedays it sure feels that way. It feels so draining to be happy for all those around you, as you work to continue to trust that the Lord has plans. I don't even know why I am writing today... maybe just to reach out into the unknown ... reach a hand out to see if someone else feels as I do?

Trusting God and holding the hurt- seems I cant do one without the other lately.

We need to breakup..

I got the idea of "hes just not that into you..." .. but what if we arent talking about a dating a relationship... and we are talking about a friendship.

Okay, so how do you break up with a FRIEND? I understand breaking up a boyfriend. But what about a friend. My friend Katie was right... you can't just say "Lets just be friends" or "It' not you it's me" ... how do you say "goodbye to a friendship that needs to end.

There are times when friendships just outgrow each other. Life keeps on going, years have changed views and opinions. It's not good or bad- it just is. For years, I suppose, I was a hard nut to crack and nothing really got to me. With time, however, I am highly sensitive and friendships with people who are tough and opinionated hurt now.

So how do you break up wiht a friend--- how do you say life has moved on- and i cant have you in it anymore??

Still Holding On

It's a frustrating feeling... the one you hold when you know what God desires of you- when you know your call in life- and God says "Not yet." That's been His answer to most of my prayers lately.
As Bryan and I have been praying for a child, God has taught both of us so very much. I have loved watching with the kiddos from work. He is typically around when I am at work and so I watch him play ball with the boys, talk to the kids about the Lord, and laugh about cartoons.
The little girls from work adore "Big Bryan." During family camp there was a girl attached to him at all times. His patience, kindness, and authenticity with these precious girls has shown me what an amazing father he will be. In fact, for a guy who wanted so desperatly to have boys- I think his heart has changed to wanting little girls. God may want to protect our bank account and bless us with boys. =)
I pray for our future child each and every day. There will be no child more wanted than our future child. In the midst of the grief I let go of myself- the weight gain, no make up, no dress up, no workout. But God asks that we trust him. So, I trust. I have return to taking care of myself and begun to start each day on my knees surrendering my plan to His. I might be white knuckeling it sometime.. but I am holding on.

... wont post again till she can transform from "Negative Nancy" to "Positive Polly!"

White Knuckles

Is it strange that I still think of the baby that we lost? Sometime I stop myself and think 'Gosh sarah... you were barely 3 month... the baby still looked like a blob in there... how could you be so sad?" And yet- I AM! Some days, like today, I am taken back by a wave of grief. There was once a day when I would avoid any feeling like the plague, but today I sit and let it wash over my heart.. I just pray that it doesn't take it down.

Bryan and I want to be pregnant so very badly. We want the blessing of raising a child. The "well intentioned" friends that speak words of "it will come..." " its only been a few months..." "you're still young..." "just dont think about it..." must not have ever been in this place.

There are days when the hope of seeing that pregnant pregnancy test AND still being pregnant at week 13 seems nearly impossible. In fact there are days I so try to convince my heart that I dont want to be a mother... but it doesn't seem to be listening.

My knuckles are turning white as I hold onto the last strain of hope that I have...