Two Heads are Better than One

Big Boy- Clingy Boy

2012-02-12T14:26:00.000-08:00

I keep hearing that this is just a phase- but HOLY GEEZ! I was priding myself that I had a son who would go to anyone. He was always happy to go into the nursery at church, see babysitters and play at Mothers Day Out. But I swear overnight he has become clingy- no CLINGY! He screams bloody murder and can not be consoled. I simply don't know what to do with this seperation anxiety. I am trying to not give it much attention and leave quickly but its tough. Honestly I know he will be fine- I feel worse for the workers who have to be with him. The sweet girl that babysit last weekend had to text me every 20 minutes because nothing worked.

On a happier note, Ethan has LOVED moving into his new room. The old nursery looks sad and has become a catch all for the "things that we will deal with before the baby comes!"... that pile keeps adding up for sure!

Mom, dad, Jeff and Lauren came over to help move all the furniture, organize and put the curtains up. I LOVE IT. Its sweet and so much more room for him to play in. This room has been Jake's since we moved into the house, and Jake hasn't left. So we call it Jake and Ethan's room... which neither minds.

Right now I am working on continuing to adjust to stay at home mommy-hood. It's been tougher than I thought. Honestly I thought it would be so easy and fun. With my responsibilities left at church I honestly have A LOT Of spare time to just be with Ethan. And with only 1 nap in the morning we are home chilling A LOT! I don't know if I am simply not use to it, or if this isn't where God wants me right now. But I am certainly learning how to find my value and selfworth in something other than my career. God is teaching me that my self worth needs to come FROM HIM and not necessarily what I do FOR HIM. Seems I have likely try to teach someone else this lesson- but never got it for myself.

Suddenly

2012-02-08T18:43:00.000-08:00

I don't know what happened, but suddenly Ethan turned 10 months and decided he would be a new little guy. He has learned how to clap, wave, grown several more teeth, and is standing all by himself. He has yet to be brave enough to walk, but loves to just stand up in the middle of the room. Suddenly he has gone from a baby to big boy.

There have been many changes around this house. Ethan has moved to a big boy room as we prepare for #2. Its filled with new toys and loads of room to play. I am now working from home full time, as church has cut back my hours. As Ethan is not going to MDO anymore and is home with me anymore we are both going through a time to crate a schedule. Right now its chaos. =) Bryan has moved back to working nights. So he is home a lot more during the day too- which is so fun for Ethan to have daddy to play with till afternoon nap. With all the changes little man is not taking his naps well and each night at 2am he suddenly is ready to play. God has a plan in all this, and I am excited to see what it is. Right now its rough around this house- but it always rains before the sun comes out!

Faithful

2012-01-17T08:17:00.000-08:00

Holy Geez. So, very much has happened in the last 2 months. Best of all we were HIGHLY SUPRISED at the news that we are PREGNANT. "Marshmallow" (has Bryan calls it) will be arriving in July. After being told for years that we would never be pregnant, and then having a very difficult pregnancy with Ethan we thought we were done having a kiddos. God is so faithful- and knew the desires of my heart for sure. We are going to have our hands full with 2 under 16 months, but I am ready for the challenge. God knows His amazing plan, and my job is to have peace and enjoy the ride. And that is what I will do.
Ethan is growing up so fast all of a sudden. He is expressive, and funny, and stubborn and loud! He is a boy through and through.

I am working on being thankful in all circumstances. It is certainly easy to be close to the Lord when you recognize your blessings... when things are going your way.. when the sun is shining. But when life gets overwhelming, and things dont get your way, it seems harder for me to keep focused on my blessings. They don't disappear when I am stressed out. When something is exactly what I planned, God doesn't revoke his love or his blessing.. or his PLAN! He is just as present, just as loving and just as graceful.

So in the midst of dirty diapers, morning sickness, stressful work days, uncertainty about our future- I cling on that God doesn't change. And that He is always faithful. Sara Groves song is a great reminder

Morning by morning I wake up to find
The power and comfort of God’s hand in mine
Season by season I watch Him, amazed
In awe of the mystery of His perfect ways
All I have need of, His hand will provide
He’s always been faithful to me.

I can’t remember a trial or a pain
He did not recycle to bring me gain
I can’t remember one single regret
In serving God only, and trusting His hand
All I have need of, His hand will provide
He’s always been faithful to me.

This is my anthem, this is my song
The theme of the stories I’ve heard for so long
God has been faithful, He will be again
His loving compassion, it knows no end
All I have need of, His hand will provide
He’s always been faithful, He’s always been faithful
He’s always been faithful to me.

November-December Recap

2011-12-01T11:55:00.001-08:00

Oh my goodness so much as changed in the last month. It seems suddenly Ethan hit 8 months and decided it was time to grow up.
- he has his first two teeth
- he is crawling EVERYWHERE and FAST!
- he is pulling himself up on anything he can reach (which lends itself to bruises all over his sweet little body!)

We had Thanksgiving at my moms. It was so fun to have most of the family together. Ethan had a great time in his walker going in between everyones legs.

Holidays with a baby certainly is different. No sitting down to rest- but a million times more fun.
----------------------
Right after Thanksgiving we went to Ft Worth to celebrate John and Jeffs 30! I love having the 8 of us together- especially for doing something different. We headed to the art museums, then bowling and then dinner! john got a family Bible written in arabic- best birthday present EVER!

And then last week we celebrating the beginning of christmas with a trip to Heritage for a night with the Vicks. We don't want to push it too hard- but seriously Caroline and Ethan would be the cutest couple EVER!!

I am behind blogging- as this weekend is CHRISTMAS! I will have tons to share after this weekend. I am so excited about Ethans first Christmas,even though he doesn't get it yet. He is certainly of an age where he can show when he's happy- and he is certainly happy with new toys! =)

Weekend in Pictures

2011-11-14T16:18:00.000-08:00

Bryan and I headed to New Orleans for Marc and Allison's wedding! It was beautiful and so fun to be out of town with some of our best friends. And, with that came a mini-vacation for Ethan. He stayed at Moke and Diesels house.

Bryan and the Bride.. making fun of her red hair AGAIN I presume.

Bob and Bryan and their mini-versions!

James and Bry

Working outside with Diesel

MY FAVORITE- the boys in the morning!

Learning some piano with Moke

Visiting Nanu, Michelle and Buttercup

Bathtime in the sink

Visiting the baby in the mirror

7 months- the most fun by far!

2011-11-08T15:04:00.000-08:00

I think 7 month olds are my favorite so far. He can entertain himself, he is alert, funny, his personality is showing. LOVE EVERY DAY WITH THIS GUY!

Ethan's stats
- Love ALL FOOD. He doesnt seem to know he doesn't have teeth. Pizza, crackers, chicken, raw vegtables... anything you are eating- he wants them!
- We are working on the sippy cup- but he wants nothing to do with it.
- He LOVES Mothers Day Out and their friends.
- We go to the arboretum almost every week, and he loves walks anywhere!
- He and Jake are best friends.
- He is learning to crawl- so far its a one knee in front of the other and then flat on his tummy. Its time to start baby proofing the house- we have already gotten into the PS3, dog food/water, dog toys, mommy's scrapbooks, and the remote controls.
- We love going to Moke and Diesel's house.
We love watching Wonder Pets with Daddy and Jake at night...

We had our first halloween...

We have Thursday morning playdates with our best buddies Bridgette and Aiden...

50/50

2011-10-07T07:45:00.001-07:00

There has been a lot going on around the Head house lately. With this weather we are head over to the Arboretum just about every week. Having a membership during this past summer was useless- but with the weather cooling down and with the pumpkins out its PERFECT!

Bryan and I are also going through a time of prayer and relying on the Lord. We wanted 2 children for a very long time, but its been very clear that my body HATES being pregnant. After this months appointment with my doctor we found out that we have a 50/50 chance of preeclampsia and HELPP syndrome returning (if I can even get pregnant again!).

The consequences of getting it again? Premature baby, stroke, death (for me or baby). No big deal huh? With that news Bryan and I have certainly had some lenghly conversations. When it comes down to it this is what I know for sure. God tells me not to fear! In fact its the phrase most used in scripture. HOWEVER- he also gave us a brain and asks that we be WISE.

I want a sibling for this little man- but do I risk losing another baby? Do I risk leaving Ethan without a mother, Bryan without a wife or being dependent on them for everything? Everyone would chose something else. Everyone in my position would have their own lengthly list of reasons to try or not to try. But we...

... are going to leave this up to God. I don't think my family is complete. But what I think and what God thinks are two radically different things. We will try- we will pray-and then we will release it. God knows what is best and he will protect our family. Selfishly I hope that means having a sibling for Ethan. I would love two little rugrats around here.

But I am reminded of 1 Thessalonians 5:18 " Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus." So we will be thankful. ALWAYS!
In the meantime little E is keeping us busy. He is moving as much as he can and my guess will be going from scooting to crawling in the next few weeks. Time to baby proof!

6 months

2011-09-28T05:54:00.001-07:00

6 months already? We weren't sure we were going to get past the first 6 days! What a blessing this little man is!
He is sitting up, talking like crazy, loving MDO, and eating anything he can get his hands on. Sounds a lot like daddy!

Balancing Act

2011-09-21T15:12:00.000-07:00

I am not so good at this balancing act of working mom. Not at all. As soon as I think I have it down I realize I have completely neglected some part of my life.

I love my job. God really has put me an amazing job. I am humbled that I God put me in a position that allows God to speak through me to teens. The issue? I LOVE MY KIDS! I adore each of my students and want to walk side by side with them. I want to go to EVERY game, do one-on-one discipleship, grab coffee, go take lunch to them at school, teach Bible Study and Sunday School, have 3 yearly mission trips. BUT thats just not possible. We have so many amazing students that yearn for community and I am trying my best to do waht I can- but honestly somedays I FAIL!

And then God gave me the amazing blessing of being Bryan's wife. He is THE MOST patient and understanding husband. Not growing up in the church he had no idea the hours a youth minister keeps. He never knew all the thing he would be dragged to early Saturday mornings, or the nights of take out since I was eating dinner with a student. I want to spend all my time with him. I want to make sure he has a great dinner waiting for him when he gets home. I want to make sure the house is cleaned and all his clothes are washed. But alas- sometimes I am short and snippy, and impatient, and put the students needs before his.

And then God gave us the miracle baby. Oh what a precious boy. And right now I am his world- he can't do anything without help.

I am so torn- I dont seem to balance well at all. I try to make sure everyones needs are met (at least the bare minumum but sometimes honestly that doesnt happen. How do working moms do it. 24 hours in the day doesn't seem like enough. Even now as I am writing this I am thinking that I should probobly be getting dinner ready or finding a service project for November, or writing a letter to a kid that has been having a hard time in school, or cleaning up the toys from the floor, or getting the laundry out of the dryer, or brainstorming on what to get my dad for his birthday. But all that makes me want to do is curl up in my pjs and go to bed. I AM SO RIDICULOUSLY thankful for all the blessings God has given me... an amazing job, amazing students, great friends, a loving husband, and a miracle baby- I just dont know how to juggle it all!

Firsts

2011-09-17T19:09:00.000-07:00

This past month as been a month of firsts at our house. We survived our first lockin with a baby. Thats right- we are the crazy youth leaders that bring a baby to a youth lockin. We couldn't find anyone to keep him over night, but found a blessed soul that would keep him while Bryan and I took the high schoolers out for bowling and ice cream. So we picked him up at 11:30pm and put him to sleep in my office while we finished up our games of sardines,movies and Apples to Apples. After a whaping 30 minutes of sleep, I woke up to Ethan wining and ready for the day. YIKES!! The girls certainly loved having him around in the morning though.

Then we loaded up the car and headed on our first round of college visits. Apparently he is good for an hour and a half.. Which is how far I can go! :) he was a great traveler, the girls were happy to see him and great in hotel living!

5 months

2011-08-30T14:08:00.000-07:00

Oh 5 months. Its such a fun age (except for this look how loud I can scream phase that I could do without most mornings and late nights). This month E is really catching up for lost time and there is no sign of premie in him anywhere.

We are playing in the Johnny Jump Up on a regular basis. We haven't got the "jumping" part down, but we just walk around in circles most times which is just as exciting... for everyone but the dogs!

We have started eating solids since he was taking in far too many calories with formula. This boy changes what he wants everyday. Somedays he LOVES his food and takes the spoon from me to eat. The next day he won't eat a thing. I am ready for something a little more consistant but this is a fun "play with your food" stage.

E started Mothers Day Out. Its a great way for him to learn to socialize and for me to get some work done at the office without any interuptions. His teachers are simply fabulous and the transition was so much easier than I thought. However, on meet the teacher night the kid starts screaming BLOODY MURDER and selfishly all I can think "OH NO! I want you teachers to like you!" I came in apologizing the first day of school and saying he is much better in the mornings than he is at night. And he is. However he is proving to be VERY Jekyl and Hide. He is happy and content, until he is not- and then he is NOT!!!

We have changed to sleeping about 8-9 hours a night. If I could just get that to be during normal hours that would be great. Until then I will be going to bed at 9pm.

I am loving every second of mommyhood. I love every second with him this little. I work with big kids and know that all too soon he will be one too. He will hate me, and talk about how lame I am to his friends. He will be embaressed to bring his friends home, and I will be a "horrible" parent because I make him come home at midnight. His shoes will stink and he will never make his bed- I am prepared and actually excited for all that too. But I know that all too soon this little muncher will be a big ol teenager- so I hold him more than I should- kiss him all the time- and spend every second with him that I possibly can.

When you gave a baby a spoon....

2011-08-23T13:58:00.000-07:00

So the last 2 weeks we have been trying foods at the Head house. He was taking in far too many calories via the bottle so it was certainly time for soft foods. I did what my doctor and others suggested and started with rice cereal. Well that was a NO GO! He not only hated it , but would spit it back in my face when i tried. I tried oatmeal cereal- NO! I tried adding apple sauce and apple juice to either of those. NO! I did what is against all rules and added some rice to this bottle and he took that with no issues. So I thought- well what the heck.. I will go to veggies. HE LOVES THEM! This boy is certainly NOT his fathers child. At first he makes faces, but then helps me guide the spoon into his mouth for more.

Learning New Things

2011-08-14T17:49:00.001-07:00

We are learning new things at the Head House. First we are working on the Bumbo... and doing so much better.

And then daddy has taught Ethan to hold the bottle (when there isnt much left in the bottle there is). Makes daddys night time duty a little easier.

Best Friends

2011-08-14T17:42:00.000-07:00

We are certainly a family of love. However there are certainly 2 little buddies in my house.
First Peeka and Ethan. Ethan is certainly more entertained in the big dog Jake right now, but Peeka loves to be close to this little man.

And then there is Ethan and Daddy. It's ridiculous how much these two love each other.

What a weekend

2011-08-09T20:02:00.000-07:00

This has been such an amazing weekend. Ethan had quiet an adventure.

Friday night we celebrated Bob and Bryan's birthdays at 300. Loved a great night with friends and no babies.

Sunday morning Ethan was baptised. This was an amazing morning for me as I thought this would NEVER happen- I never throught that we would even get pregnant. This was such a blessed day for us to stand before the Lord, our family and friends and promise to raise our son to follow the Lord. We dedicated to work on our own walk with the Lord as well. We have the worlds best godparents too (Katie and Travis Vick). They are examples of Christ in everything they do.

Then to top it off we celebrated Bryans 29th birthday. We are so very blessed.

But after being loved on and passed around all day... Ethan was not having it by 5pm. Poor little grouchy kid...

4 Months

2011-07-23T14:19:00.001-07:00

I can't believe we are already at 4 months! He is getting so big and learning so much. Having him so early, through us all off. He is really starting to catch up though. We are at about 3 month milestones but we will know for sure when we go to the developmental specialist at the beginning of September.

-He weighs 13 Lbs and 6 oz (thats 25% ... thats right ladies and gents- we have double digits!) and is in the 25 % in height too.

- He will get baptised in 2 weeks on August 7th on his daddys 29th birthday!
- E wears 3-6 month clothes. For a premie he sure is growing too quick for me!
- He can hold his head up for a minute of two
-Does great with tummy time
- Can reach and hold his toys
- And the best yet- HE SLEEPS 10-12 hours a night.

Etan is a great and easy baby. He is for sure going to be a social kid with all the people he is around daily. Its been fun to have Aunt Susie and mom take care of him before MDO starts.

Here are some more pictures.. cause I know you want them.
Watching TV with dad.. twins??

A stare off with Cassidy...

And a fashion plate with Polo shirt, skinny jeans and loafer socks..

I love being this little dude's mommy. I am slowly getting the working mom bit down. I think Bryan working days will be so much more helpful. As soon as I get this down he will start Mothers Day out and I will have to readjust again. So is life. God is teaching a lot about control and the ridiculously HUGE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE He has for us. If I can love this little guy this much how much more does God love us?

What I have learned from James

2011-07-17T13:20:00.000-07:00

I have been following the Sikes blog (http://jamescamdensikes.blogspot.com) and am heartbroken over their loss. It has been a long road and a heartbroken road for us to lose a baby that we didnt even get the chance to see- I can not image the loss of a 8 month old. Within their blogging, both parents have been amazed at how the life of their son has effected people- but I am not amazed at all... however I think I have learned something from ALL 3 of them. Babies face things with all that they have-its in their very nature. I wish that we had all had the energy of children to face all our challenge without abandon and without fear. It's been the parents however that I am amazed with. I read a comment that said God allows huge tragedies to happen to two different kinds of people: those unbelievers so that they may learn to have faith in Him and believers who will show the grace and love of Christ throughout the ordeal. The Sikes are an amazing example of this love. They are not perfect and certainly are dealing with a ridiculous amount of heartache and pain- but through it all they have not forgotten who is in charge. They have put all their trust in the One who gave them their son, and trust that He is taking care of James now in heaven.

I believe:
God is good God who loves his people.
and I believe:
We live in a fallen world full of pain.
I can hold both of those truths and chose to believe that in the end it will all work together for those who follow and love Christ.

So for today I will chose to kiss my child far more than he likes it! I will hold him close. I will say my prayers over him and remember that he is on loan to us. I will thank God for giving me one more day of being his mother, for being Bryan's wife. I will put my computer down, put my to do list away for a while and SNUGGLE. In fact- thats what I will do right now!!!

one of those days

2011-07-14T18:34:00.000-07:00

Today has been one of THOSE day! I fell loading the baby in the car and tweeked my back, spilled cup of coffee into the diaper bag, had a fussy baby that only wants to be held, bickered with Bryan (all my fault I might add), gotten NOTHING done for work, felt ridiculously overwhelmed with mainting my sanity, still having a rough go of thinking of babies 3rd birthday, not able to do mall walking the last couple of days and realized we are running SO low on funds as we are still paying off a ridiculous amount of NICU bills.

I have been a LOVELY mood all day too- the closest I can relate myself too is a combination of Lucy from Charlie Brown and a stubborn 2 year old. So, needless to say you wouldn't want to be hanging out with me today.

And then I read this blog...http://jamescamdensikes.blogspot.com/...she is a friend of my sisters. Life is precious- and short. It's not fair- God doesnt make sense! God seriously doesn't make ANY sense at all. He allows things that I simply will never understand. I hold on to the truth ALL things work together for those who love the Lord. But why them? Why not me? Why did God grant us a healthy baby?

so today I will hug my boy... I will get over myself when he is fussy.. I will stop complaining that I am once again eating a cold dinner... I will love that my son wants to be held during nap time. My mom once told me that children are on load from the Lord. And I will treasure the one that God loaned to me.

3rd Birthday

2011-07-11T19:53:00.001-07:00

In mid November of 2008 we found out that we were pregnant. It was a huge suprise for both of us as we were told that it would take months to get pregnant (and it took ONE WEEK!). We were so excited. I, like many first time moms, started making plans the day we got the test with 2 lines. I began to rearrange furniture, clean out closets, look for schools, think of names and nursery colors. They would have a July birthday. Nearly 9 weeks into the pregnancy our lives were flipped upside down when we were rushed into the ER with an ectopic pregnancy. The baby was stuck in my left tube. both had to be taken out.

I dont know if its ever anything I will ever get over... just get through. God has brought us into such a place of peace and perspective (there are mothers who suffer MUCH MUCH worse). But I believe that a mother becomes a mother the second she knows she is pregnant- and that baby will always be more first precious sweet angel. This time of year has been emotional for me to say the least- as I plan my sons baptism, and think that we could also be celebrating a 3rd birthday. God allows all things and I know his plan is PERFECT. And I know that ALL things will come together for GOOD for those who love him.. and I LOVE HIM! And I know that He is big enough to know that this sucks sometimes.

What a Weekend

2011-07-08T19:48:00.000-07:00

We had a crazy busy 4th of July weekend. Bryan and I are such homebodies- so when we have a weekend full of social activities it needs to be written down.

First we had a sweet birthday party for one of my favorite 2 year olds. We headed to the Bloems () and join with the future Melkes. Bridgette is 2, Aiden is 9 months and Ethan is now 3 months. They look like they are so much older, but I know in a year when they will all be able to play together and I am so excited.

Aiden wasn't so sure about Ethan. He just couldnt move as much as he desired. So he spent the evening poking him waiting for him to move.

Marc started drawing tattoos on Bridgette. At first she wasn't so sure, but as soon as Marc stopped she drew all over her arms.

Bridgette is so good with the little boys. She was gentle with E and at one point just started kissing him and laughing "kiss baby... kiss baby!! hahaha..."

Then we headed to family time at Karen and Ricks house. It was nice to have some good quality family time. And there was a pool, so my half fish husband had to get in and so did our half fish son.

The sweetest moment of the night was when Diesel laid on the floor and giggeled with Ethan. I cant wait to see the relationship that blossoms out of these two over the years. I adore my father, and my heart gets so SO BIG when I see the two of these boys together.

Then on 4th of July we headed to the Carrolls. They have been some of our best friends since we started dating. They have been an example of Christ marriage to us and have been great at praying for us through the rough times. They were up at the hospital to visit us when Ethan was born nearly every day. It's been so fun to see David and Ethan. He is the baby whisperer.

They even bought E his own floaty and he loved it (until his diaper started to fill up and he began to sink.

After such an amazing weekend, it was nice to start the work week with my other kids. This kid is going to learn to be quiet a flirt with all the girls he is with all the time.

jakey

2011-07-05T20:27:00.000-07:00

I have had sweet Jake since I was a senior in college. In October of my senior year both my childhood dogs passed away and I was a mess. My roommates, I think just to get me to stop crying, said they would buy me a dog dog for my birthday. We went to the Waco shelter and found Jake right off. He came from a big litter... they were all barking and Jake was asleep in the back. That just about sums up how he has lived ever since.

Poor Jake- he has been very patient as we have added more people to our pack. It was just he and I for 6 years.. then Bryan...then Peeka... now Ethan. When we brought Ethan home Jake would have NOTHING to do with him. If Ethan was brought into a room, Jake would quickly walk out. However, in the last 2 weeks Jake has become very protective of this little guy. If he cries more than 2 seconds, he runs in to stare at me .. as if to say "FIX IT!" Today the two of them took a nap together on the bed...holding hands/paws.

Working Mom

2011-07-01T10:55:00.000-07:00

I know there are working moms all across America that do it because they have to or want to. I have to admit that I want to. I dont know how good of a mom I would be if i had to be home ALL DAY! I am better having a career. And I have admit that I have the BEST JOB for being a working mom. St Luke's has been so amazing for our family. I am able to work from home Tuesday and Thursday. These days are fun for Ethan and me. We have the chance to meet with students, parents, and the other young moms of the church for meetings all day. I work at the office Wednesday and Friday and right now my mom and aunt take care of him till 2pm when I get home. In the fall he will go to MDO. Sundays he will be in the nursery when Bryan and I teach Sunday School and Bible Study.. and Saturday and Monday are FAMILY DAYS!

I am a strong believer in that its takes a village to raise a kid. And I love the village that we have surrounded him in. He has tons of sisters and brothers in Christ around him daily. I dont know if I will work this much when we have more children (if God blesses us with more). But for now we are loving it.

New Routine

2011-07-01T10:43:00.000-07:00

Having a premie is difficult when it comes to deciding the timing of things. What an "average 3 month old" is now necessarily where E is. Nor does he fit all the 1 month (his adjusted age) milestones. However, for my OWN sanity I decided we would try a night time routine (since we have no symblance of one during the day) and its actually worked BEAUTIFULLY! It has been a lot of change of the little guy to go to formula, his own room/crib, and my return to work.. so i think a routine settles both of us down at the end of the day.

We start with a bath. I am sure he will be half fish like his daddy. He could be in there till his fingers and toes are wrinkely. =0)

Then diaper and pjs (this boy will NOT be swaddled so its footsie pjs!!), its time for a bottle. YUM!

And then when he is beginning his milk coma- we read Goodnight Moon.. my favorite!

And then night night with a kiss and lights out. He will sleep 4-5 hours for the first stretch...

and then 3 hours for the next one. At about 5am when i am SO NOT READY to be up for the day, and since daddy is gone, he comes in bed with me and the puppies... I have to admit its my favorite 2 hours (if i am lucky) of the day!

Newborn Pictures

2011-06-14T18:41:00.000-07:00

I have found a GREAT photographer in the Dallas area. Lindsey Murphy is amazing and was so good with E. Check these out! I just want to eat him up!!

Ridiculously Overwhelming

2011-06-06T16:54:00.000-07:00

Life around the Head house has been ridiculously overwhelming lately. With doctors appointments, graduations and my return to work... there hasn't been one moment to sit still and breathe.

Last weekend Bryan and I drove down to Waco to meet the Vicks. Katie and Travis had Caroline a month after E was born and will be E's godparents. I could not have chosen a better couple to be an example of Christ to my sweet son. They radiate God's love and grace in all they do. We, of course had to eat at Ninfas (my favorite) and had a great time with all 3 kiddos.

We had our 2 month checkup and are FINALLY on the charts... only in the 2% still... but gaining enough weight to be visable on the pediatric charts. He was born at 4 lbs and is not 9 lbs 4 oz! AMAZING! And i think it might all be head..

E's doctors suggested we get his hips and eyes checked out. He wanted to check his hips for Hip Dysplasia due to him being breach and check his eyes for a lazy eye (since his mommmy has one!). Both appointments went off without a hitch and he is just fine. But toting around a 2 month old to TWO specialist in ONE day is NOT FUN!

Then Bryan and I got a chance for our first night out to celebrate.. well a little bit of everything- Ethan's birth, Bryan's promotion and our anniversary. We went to Fogo de Cho, our favorite steak restaurant, while mom and dad kept Ethan. I always suspected I would be that mom that would feel the need to call in and check on the baby- but that was not the case. I love my sweet boy, but it was nice to get away for a bit and relax with Bryan alone.

Returning to work has been more difficult that I suspected. St Luke's is being AMAZING about letting me be in the office only Wednesday and Fridays. As a youth minister I don't believe I should be in the office more than that much anyway as I need to be out with families and kiddos. This allows for a lot of time with Ethan which is a blessing. But my return this week reminded me how much there is to do at church- all the little bitty things that add up to hours of work. Then I look down at crying baby and think- HOW CAN I DO IT ALL! There have been many a night already that I have boohooed thinking about either failing my child, my husband or my job. But I know there are working moms all around the world that do this so I can to!

Overall I am simply in love with this little 2 month old, his wonderful daddy, and our blessed life. God is good amidst the chaos! ALWAYS

7 years and All My Children

2011-05-20T16:59:00.000-07:00

First of all ..I realized that I am nearly 7 years out of addiction. It was August 2004 when I got on a plan and started my journey out of addiction. During that time I couldnt imagine a life without addiction let alone a life as a wife and mother. I never allowed myself to even believe that was possible. My blessing are overflowing and I am grateful for a God who has bestowed such amazing gifts in me.

Recently I been blessed to have all my children together. I feel as if I am the mother to 45 kids, one I gave birth to. Its been so fun to see all of them together. Here is the first round of kiddos with Ethan- and I cant wait for the next few months when they are all together!!

Natasha

Madeline

Macall ( my favorite since shes so sweet and he looks like he is being tortured!)

Katie

Hayley (she says she doesnt love babies, but he loved her!)

Grace

Carolene

Hayley and Grace came over to put together Ethans swing- what a huge help!

Sweet Seniors

Mothers Day

2011-05-09T17:49:00.000-07:00

Sunday threw me off my rocker completely. I wasn't ready for the feelings that arose on Sunday morning. As I was feeding Ethan before we headed out to the dog park (my request for mothers day!) I began to weep. WEEP!!! It dawned on me that I never thought this day would come. I have wanted to be a mother for as long as I can remember. I tried for years to tell myself that I didn't care if it happened or not- but God put a desire in my heart to be a mom when I was born!

After 3 years of trying, losing our first baby and one of my tubes, 2 early miscarriages, failed fertility treatments, and finally being told we wouldn't have a baby- I thought FOR SURE this day would never be here. I looked into the eyes of my son and was overwhelmed by love for him and appreciation for the God that granted me this little miracle. His entry into thsi world was tough and tramatic- but at the end of the day I would do it all over again!! In fact I hope by next mothers day we are expecting another miracle. =)

addicted

2011-05-03T10:08:00.000-07:00

Bryan and I are both addicts and are well aware that its potentially genetic. We have had many conversations on how we will keep our children from harmful addictions and keep focused on the positive (sports, school, social work). Ethan has formed his own addiction...the paci!! And dont you dare try to keep it away from him.

love fest 2011

2011-04-25T18:10:00.000-07:00

One Month

2011-04-25T17:41:00.000-07:00

First of all- LOOK AT THOSE CHEEKS! He is certainly gaining

Okay on to the big news- ETHAN IS A MONTH OLD! He isn't suppose to be born or another month but he graced with his sweet heart one month ago today. In fact we are cuddeling on the couch now watching trash tv... great past time between feedings.

- Ethan has learned to swallow like a champ. In fact he is a major eater. We came home with him eating 45 ml every 4 hours- now we are eating 85 ml every 3 hours (occassionally he will go 4 hour stretches at night. =)
- He is the best sleeper- thanks to his preemieness i expect
- He is ridiculously lovable.
- He weights 5 pounds 10 oz

The Path to TODAY

2011-04-22T08:53:00.000-07:00

Lost our first pregnancy in 2008...

...tried to get pregnant for 2 years...

...tests, tests and more tests! Heard that
we would never be able to have children...

...found out we were pregnant in fall of 2010...

...diagnosed with Preeclampsia and put on strict bed rest...

...emergency c-section 2 months early...

... over 3 weeks in the NICU...

...home with a 35 week Premie and all new rules..

... and through it all God has been so ridiculously faithful and loving. In the midst of the chaos I certainly didn't see it. There were days (okay often months and years) that I thought that he had forgotten about us. Everyone around us was getting pregnant, raising precious children, and I was struggling to believe that God would be faithful to his promise. But through it all, and through all my whining to Him, he was AMAZINGLY FAITHFUL!

Every mother loves their child, but I think theres something different in the heart of a mom that has struggled so hard to have that child. We don't love our children more, but its IMPOSSIBLE to take any thing for granted. Every little move, face, and breathe are nothing less than a miracle. He shouldn't be here. All the doctors say that we shouldn't be pregnant and all the pediatricians say he shouldn't be home at 35 weeks. This precious soul fought to be here!

My heart LOVES being a mom but my body hates being pregnant. In the last several years I have been in the hospital and told that I was going to die if they didn't take the baby out. I am grateful that this time I got to hold this little blessing. God has a plan in all of it- I'm not sure what it is yet, but i know there is a purpose in all this.

I am simply in ah this morning and can't help but be sentimental.

Taking A Day At A Time

2011-04-15T08:29:00.001-07:00

If I have learned one huge lesson throughout the last 5+ weeks of bedrest/hospital stay/NICU experience its that there may be blessings of planning ahead, but honestly all we have is today. God has called us to often times simply be in the moment, take a day a time, and if I dare sound like a high school english teacher- carpe diem. There is simply nothing else we can do but to be here...

So FOR TODAY its a good day. Yesterday Bryan and I had a fabulous day with Ethan. Here are some pictures from our mini love fest.

We prayed for Ethan to learn how to swallow and eat.. and now, after having those prayers answered we are now praying that he learns to eat slow. His new trick is to eat too quickly. That would be fine for a normakl 14 year old boy (sign of whats to come for sure), but for a premie it causes him to have eating apneas (stops breathing, hearts slow down, goes limp) and choking. So we are constantly watching him REALLY carefully as he eats and for minutes afterwards, and are trying to learn new skills in feeding him slowly. In fact the ocupational therapist is coming in this afternoon to teach us new tricks to get him to eat SLOWLY!!

Also this week Ethan reached FIVE POUNDS!! Still a little winzer but he is growing! The sweet nurses made this sign for him. Every ounce counts at the NICU!! in the meantime check out those HUGE feet!!

I am in late in this post- but we had a baby shower for Ethan with my sweet jr high and sr high girls Sunday. It was such a precious treat to share this time with them. It has been these girls that have prayed with me the last 3 years as we have lost pregnancys, prayed for pregnancy, and this entire pregnancy. What a special treat to celebrate with Ethan's little prayer warriors.

Two steps forward...

2011-04-13T19:22:00.000-07:00

One step back.

Oh how I hate having a baby in the hospital. I wish I could say something about how much I have loved today- but on the rollercoaster of the NICU today was a total downer. We had expected that he come home yesterday but couldn't needed to prove that he could eat another 24 hours after a day of shots. Which he could easily do! However, he had a bradiacardia last night and this morning which set him up for another 5 days at the hospital.

He had gone over a week without any signs of a brady.. so it was both a dispointment and a scare to see him have 2 in 12 hours. Needless to say when the doctor came in to tell us that he will be here till at least in Monday we had a load of emotions. Upset, sad, dispointed, understanding, scared... We took a time out and drove around. It was a nice break to cry, talk and pray together about the situation.

When having a baby in the hospital you must learn to hold two intense feelings at the same time. But I suppose much of life is this way. Today we learned to hold
- The dispointment and hurt that Ethan wont be home with us for a while.
- And the understanding that God has him right where he needs to be.

After a break we hung out with the little man. Bryan held him all day...he is IN LOVE with his son. There were two expectations!! both grandpas came to visit today. It makes my heart so happy to see these two with him. They are in love with him and will certainly be spoiling him VERY soon.

At the end of the day God is still faithful.. God is still good. He loves this little man and loves Bryan and I. He has put us in this situation for a reason. I don't know it yet, I can't see it in the midst of my frustration and pain... but I hold onto hope. In the meantime of figuring it out I will simply love on my son to the best way I know how.

What does this look like????

2011-04-11T20:33:00.000-07:00

YES!! Looks like we are going HOME TOMORROW! At only 34 weeks this little boy will be coming home. I have mixed feelings about this- lets face it I am a hormonal mess. I am ELATED that he is doing so well that he can come home. He is a fabulous eater and sleeper. I am BLESSED that God has taken care of my son. I am SCARED POOP LESS about taking a premie home. I think I would be afraid simply taking home a newborn, however today we went over the rules of what to do and not to do with a premie. I am SAD about losing all the sweet time Bryan and I have with just each other. I know that starting tomorrow we will lose all our time to just be us. I am OVERWHELMED at the idea that this little life is our responsibility- what if i do it wrong? what if i forget all the things the nurses tried to teach me?!?!

I also vowed to not be THAT mom.. the overprotective "dont touch my baby, wash your hands, keep your babies locked in doors" mom... and then I talked to the NICU premie doctor. It looks like I will become that room.

1) Nobody is to hold the baby that works with kids, hangs out with kids, has been sick at all recently, may be sick, and hasnt washed their hands. Even then, the doctor would prefer him not being passed around.

(SERIOUSLY look how small his little bottome is!)

2)He cant be out in public long- and if we do take him out we should put a blanket over the stroller so people don't breathe on him.

3) We need to wash our hands ALL THE TIME- in fact mom stocked our house today with anibacterial wash- there is some in EVERY room of the house.

4) He needs to take his premie vitamins each day! =)

5) No bouncing!! Its natural for people to pick up a baby and rock them- but its not allowed with premies. Their little systems cant take it. So no rocking in my arms, and no bouncy seats.

(Look at that- his bed is finally FLAT!!!)

I have become THAT mom.. I suppose half by forced doctors orders and half because I have a child that should still be inside of me for the next 6 weeks. Once we reach his actual due date than some of the rules change- but looks like he will be taking extra vitamins, food and a couple other precautions for several months to come. Thats okay- God is good and will get us through this!

This guy on the other hand seems to have no issues- he is SO EXCITED to have Ethan home! Look at that smile.

BIG!

2011-04-09T07:39:00.000-07:00

E is getting bigger each day.. he is now 4 lbs and 8 oz! I know it sounds small, but for our little 34 weeker - we are excited for each ounce he gains. He also ate 5 out of the 8 feedings from the bottle!! Since last week he was doing 2 out of the 8 this is AMAZING! He has to be able to take ALL his meals from the bottle for at least 3 days before he leaves.. so he is certainly on his way. I must say it makes me feel so good when the nurses are suprised at how well he is doing. I am trying not to get too excited, but he is still so small and I know there is always potential for a bad day... but for today he is GREAT!! =)

I love the weekends because Bryan stays with me all day... so the three of us get to spend the day in our little hospital room. This morning we are watching cartoons and drinking diet cokes. Love our family time.

I suspect this little guy wil be coming home in the next couple of weeks.. so I am going to try to get all the last minute things done that I thought I had a month to do. Finish the nursery, pedicure, clean the hardwoods, finish decorating the living room... Or I will just stay at the hospital and pretend the real world doesnt exsist. =)

I dont want to jinx it...

2011-04-07T19:13:00.000-07:00

but Ethan has had 2 really great days in a row. Besides me causing 2 Bradys today-oopss- He has done really well. All the nurses are amazed at what a good eater he is- he is taking the bottle or breastfeeding 4 out of his 8 meals a day. Before he leaves he has to be taking ALL 8 meals via the bottle or breastfeeding. He is on his way.

Today, however, I had a crappy mommy day. During feeding time Ethan has really begun to suck on the nipple of the bottle. That is GREAT-however his little throat can't take that much milk. Premies are not like newborns- they can't moderate their own feeding- so feeing a bottle has to be done at an angle and really moderating how much they are taking in and giving them breaks in between swallows. Its a process for sure. Well- mommy thought this little man was just being an amazing eater and could do 5-7 gulps- NOPE! poor little guy starts to choke- TWICE!!! I felt like a ridiculous failure. I know its a learning curve- but there is somthing in me ( maybe in all moms) that says i should know how to do this.

Also- is it normal to be so MOMMA BEAR with a new born. I dont know if its because he is little and fragile- or if I would feel this way with any baby- but I am RIDICULOUSLY OVERPROCTIVE. I totally recognize it. I won't let anyone hold him but Bryan and myself (and the nurses of cours) till he gets stronger. I know there will be a day soon when he will want to be with everyone else- so for now I simply want to hold him ALL DAY!

Small but MIGHTY

2011-04-06T20:12:00.000-07:00

I spy with my little eye-something small and mighty...

God Knew- HALLELUJAH!

2011-04-05T21:26:00.000-07:00

Several months ago I made a mix on Itunes called Ethan. I put a random group of sons on there and would listen to them regularly. I havent looked at the list in weeks... and as I opened up the mix tonight I realized ho prophetic this group of songs were... they were a group of songs about Gods faithfulness, lullabies, gods love in the midst of stress and strife. Boy I had no idea what this all meant. My favorite of the songs is Bethany Dillon's Hallelujah... I sing it to Ethan already.

Who can hold the stars
And my weary heart?
Who can see everything?

I've fallen so hard
Sometimes I feel so far
But not beyond your reach

I could climb a mountain
Swim the ocean
Or do anything
But it's when you hold me
That I start unfolding
And all I can say is

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever's in front of me
Help me to sing hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever's in front of me
I'll choose to sing hallelujah

The same sun that
Rises over castles
And welcomes the day

Spills over buildings
Into the streets
Where orphans play

And only you can see the good
In broken things
You took my heart of stone
And you made it home
And set this prisoner free

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever's in front of me
Help me to sing hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever's in front of me
I'll choose to sing hallelujah

And so I finish tonight with a picture of this precious face. He may be little- but this little one is a fighter!

How Preemie Moms Are Chosen

2011-04-04T20:07:00.000-07:00

How Preemie Moms Are Chosen
by Erma Bombeck

Did you ever wonder how the mothers of premature babies are chosen?

Somehow, I visualize God hovering over Earth, selecting his instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As he observes, he instructs his angels to take notes in a giant ledger.

"Armstrong, Beth, son. Patron Saint, Matthew.
Forrest, Marjorie, daughter. Patron Saint, Celia.
Rutledge, Carrie, twins. Patron Saint...give her Gerard. He's used to profanity."

Finally, he passes a name to an angel and smiles. "Give her a preemie."

The angel is curious. "Why this one, God? She's so happy."

"Exactly," smiles God. "Could I give a premature baby a mother who knows no laughter? That would be cruel."

"But does she have the patience?" asks the angel.

"I don't want her to have too much patience, or she'll drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wear off, she'll handle it. I watched her today. She has that sense of self and independence so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I'm going to give her has a world of its own. She has to make it live in her world, and that's not going to be easy."

"But Lord, I don't think she even believes in you."

God smiles. "No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect She has just the right amount of selfishness."

The angel gasps, "Selfishness?! Is that a virtue?"

God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she will never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect. She doesn't know it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take for granted a spoken word. She will never consider a step ordinary. When her child says momma for the first time, she will be witness to a miracle and know it. I will permit her to see clearly the things I see-- ignorance, cruelty, prejudice-- and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life because she is doing my work as surely as she is here by my side."

"And what about her Patron Saint?" asks the angel, his pen poised in the air.

God smiles. "A mirror will suffice."

Bradycardias- a lesson in premature babies

2011-04-04T16:39:00.000-07:00

This is what I stare at each day..

Each morning I come in to see what has happened the day before. This lovely machine tracks E's heartheart, respatory rate and blood pressure. He keeps tracks of times when his heartrate gets too low (bradycardia) and tracks it. Today we came to the hospital to see that he's had 4 over night. For that age of gestation it's to be expected. However, with that sweet baby out of the womb its a tad stressful to parents (well at least to me) to see that your childs heartheart is dipping down that often. I have to keep reminding myself that he should still be IN me. The positive side is that even though he is having these Bradys he is fixing them on his own without nurse/doctor intervention. The ones this morning were a little too low for nurse comfort however, so they moved his room closer to the nurses desk. BUMMER for me though since I had practically moved in and so had to move all my stuff too (I know selfish- but honestly its a pain in the rear!).

In addition to the Bradys today my blood pressure slowed down tremendously due to my blood pressure meds- so I only spent an hour with the little man and didn't hold him at all. Luckily he has great nurses who have touch time with him. I just called up to the hospital and found out he has taken a bottle at EVERY FEEDING!! AMAZING!! So tomorrow my goal is to learn to feed this little guy more appropriatly.. when I try to give him the bottle he only takes a little bit. Luckily- this is TEAM WORK!!

You Lose Reality and Perspective In Here

2011-04-03T12:37:00.000-07:00

Its hard to hold onto reality and perspecitve in the NICU and Special Care. Luckily the majority of the time I hear how big he is getting, and how well he is doing... I begin to think that he will be coming home tomorrow- that he is a "normal" newborn. But that is compared to other NICU babies. Babies down the hall that are 2 pounds at 2 months old. Ethan is back up slowly getting back up to 4 pounds. He is only 33 weeks.. he should still have 7 weeks in me to grow, develop, and learn.

However, reality quickly strikes in those moments when his heart monitor goes off because he has an apnea.. or because his rate gets too low or too high... when the bells and whistles go off and nurses rush into the room. Then out of nowhere I am reminded that he is a premie- that he still has so many things to learn ( like breathing and swallowing).

E certainly is learning and trying new things. This week we are practicing the bottle and breastfeeding. A learning curve for both of us. I am spending my days at the hospital and my nights at home at this point.. soon I will be moving in to the hospital full time.

In the meantime I hang on to moments like this that simply melt my heart.

Moving On Up

2011-04-01T18:36:00.000-07:00

It doesn't look like much at first. but these are Ethan's new digs. Maybe a wider room view would help... check this out..

Yepp- today we moved OUT OF THE NICU. It was actually harder on me than i thought. I hated having him in the NICU- but he was so little and fragile that I knew it was the best for him. He had THE BEST NURSES watching him 24 hours a day. So I had a "mild" freak out today when we came to visit him and the doctor wanted to move him to Special Care. He is off everything except his G-tube, but tomorrow he will try to eat out of the bottle. The doctor said he doesnt need the round the clock intense care that NICU has to offer. So Special Care is the "inbetween" nursery. He gets his own room- its a place for him to practice and master eating, get off the Gtube, gain weight.

In order to go home he needs to be COMPLETELY on the bottle and have 5 days without forgetting to breathe (a fun party trick of Ethans!). Starting tomorrow I will likely spend the night with him and practice being a mommy. He has a nurse that checks on him in his room when Bryan and I arent able to be with him. I am in love with this little man and dont want to leave him- but am working on also sleeping as much as I can. When he comes home I wont have the nurses to take over.

I think this guy is a certain fighter!!! =) He is amazing and stronger each day!

Daddy Time

2011-03-31T16:11:00.000-07:00

Having a newborn is a rollercoaster for sure... and having the sweet baby in the NICU just adds certain bumps. Hormones don't make things any easier. Boy am I ready to feel "normal!" Trying to balance everyones needs I am sure is a balancing act that we are just beginning to battle.

The last week Bryan has been my rock. The emergency C-section came out of nowhere and he helped me through with grace and humor. Since then it has been him who handled guests, visited Ethan in the NICU every hour, took care of my needs, communicated with the nurses and doctors, and even helped me with work. Since I got home he has taken care of all the home chores and has been my driver back and forth to the NICU.

Bryan talks to Ethan constantly when he's there. I can tell that these two are going to have their own special language that I am going to not be part of. I have never seen so much love in anyones eyes than a father's love for his son... and Ethan always wakes right up when he hears Bryans voice and follows the voice until he sees him.

Each time we go up to the NICU Bryan is always very sweet about saying "you hold him.. he needs you." But I reminded him he also needs his daddy... so while I was out Bryan snuck a chance to hold sweet E. For 20 minutes the two of them just sat as Bryan talked to him about who knows what. Can't wait to watch this relationship grow and flurish for years to come.

I am in love with my boys. Didn't know I could love Bryan anymore than I already did-but I do more and more every day. Didnt know there would enough love for such a small baby- but I am in love with boy my boys.

No Pictures Today

2011-03-29T19:36:00.001-07:00

Today has been an awfully tough day.. so no pictures to say the least. Today I was able to leave the hospital, but Ethan of course had to stay. In my head, it all made sense and I thought I was perfectly fine with it. Until it was time to go and then I completely lost it. Nothing that Bryan or the nurses could say could soothe my heart into understanding that its okay to leave the hospital without our child

I am overwhelmed to to say the least. Coming up without a child, still in tremendous pain from the surgery, trying to get on a schedule at home, realizing all that still has to be done before Ethan comes home, and thinking about stuff that needs to be done at work. My mind and heart are in overload to say the least.

I know that I am not a fun person to be with right now either and so ask for prayers for Bryan. He will need it. Going to see Ethan first thing tomorrow morning. Nurses tonight say they are upping his food intake- getting this baby fat! =) LOVE IT!

Updates... Every day a new day

2011-03-28T19:41:00.000-07:00

Well we are at day 3 of this sweet boys life and so much has changed. He is down to just one feeding tube. Which is great, since we can finally see that sweet little face of his. Every hour Bryan and I debate on who he looks like- but goodness I know that so much can change for him the next several weeks- months. It's strange- because of his size in the NICU I want to think that he is SO BIG and so ready to go home- but when I am in there and alarms are going off because babies are forgetting to breathe, every baby is in an incubator, and there is one nurse to every baby- I realize that Ethan isn't a "normal" baby at all.

My heart is torn a lot when I go in there. I want to pick him up and love on him- I feel like I should want to stay in there all day and spend hours loving on him. But at the same time I am tired, worn out, and realize I have tons of other things to do to take care of myself, nursing, bryan, and the puppies. What is my role with a baby in NICU? I have no idea what to do and how to do it. And there are no answers... no real answers.

The doctor updates today.
-He is doing well with breathing. He is only forgetting a few times a day. =)Life is just too wonderful and warm and breathing just gets put on the backburner. He will have to go 5 days without an alarm before he leaves.
-Every nurse and doctor gives me another answer- but it looks like its going to be in anywhere between 5-7 weeks of him being at the hospital.
- He wont be coming home directly from the NICU. Presbyterian has an amazing middle ground nursery called the Special Care Nursery. After he is off all the tubes, and can feed by himself, he will be transfered there. Each baby has their own room, but is still monitored. Parents can stay there and spend the night if they want. Its a training ground for parents to be with their infants and for them to still be monitored.
-They are going to try to give him a bottle by the end of the week. Excited to see if he takes to it.
-He is jaundice.. so on the lights now. They caught it early so hopefully will be able to be off the lights as soon as possible.

Each day is a new day- each day is up and down. Within 20 minutes of my nightitme visit I got to touch him, change his diaper, and then watched as he forgot to breathe. In the end GOD IS GOOD and GOD IS IN CHARGE! All I want to do is love this boy to the best of my ability.

Ethan Daniel Head

2011-03-25T23:01:00.000-07:00

Ethan arrived this morning at 9:15am via Csection. 8 weeks early... and ready to go. 4 pounds and 4 ounces. Already on low oxygen, just needs a few more lessons on the real world before he can come home.. in 5 weeks. Bryan and I feel SO VERY BLESSED!

Sarah... Checking In on the COUCH!

2011-03-14T18:30:00.000-07:00

That's right. It's strict bedrest for me. I went in for a regular OB appointment... seemingly no big deal. However, my blood pressure was off the charts, my feet were the size of boats and there was "something wrong" with my urine test. I thought those were all signs of a normal pregnancy since I felt completely normal. But before I knew it I was in the hospital for 48 hour stasy. BOO! The diagnosis PREECLAMPSIA... the cure is birth. Thats right the only way to cure this issue is to get him out of me.

Since we are only at 31 weeks we want him to stay in as long as he can... which will likely not be 40 weeks, but I am crossing my fingers for at least 34 weeks. So for now its time for bed rest, working from home, catching up on letter writing, journaling, and loads of cuddeling with my dogs.

The type A personality in me is going insane however. The nursery is half down, the office still isnt completely unpacked, the bed is never made, there are often fur balls on the floor, there is dust on the tv, I can't get my work done, I cant be there for all the end of year festivities for my sweet students... God is certainly taching me something but I dont know what it is yet.

For now I am loving on this little guy... and kind of loving that i get a weekly sonogram to see this smiley face!!

26 weeks and TIRED!!

2011-02-06T19:37:00.000-08:00

Since, I got pregnant we have had 2 additions to our bed every night and nap time. Bryan said during my daily naps (yes- daily naps!!) the dogs try to get as close as possible.. as noted by this picture taken today. Sweet little things.

Seriously.. there are 14 weeks left. I feel so very pregnant right now- tired, sore, and bloated. With all that said however, I am loving being pregnant lately. Maybe with him kicking more and more I feel more connected to this little guy. We are moving into the new house on Friday and I cant wait to start putting together his room.

How Far Along: 26 weeks
Size of baby: Ethan is about a pound and a half
Total Weight Gain/Loss: I dont want to know!
Maternity Clothes: Maternity jeans and stretch pants are a must! Everything is else is normal
Gender: It's a BOY!!!! Ethan Daniel Head.. we are so excited that its a boy.
Movement: In the last week its been constant.. anytime I sit down or eat something.
Sleep: Would love to sleep through the night- but know that may not happen for years.
What I miss: more than one diet coke a day, coffee, sleeping on my stomach
Symptoms: Feeling great.. just horrible leg cramps, and fatigue.
Best Moment this week: Feeling him kick more.

Getting Ready... Slowly...

2011-01-07T09:22:00.000-08:00

How Far Along: 22 weeks
Size of baby: Baby Head is the size of a spaghetti squash
Total Weight Gain/Loss: I dont want to know!
Maternity Clothes: Maternity jeans and stretch pants are a must! Everything is else is normal
Gender: It's a BOY!!!! Ethan Daniel Head.. we are so excited that its a boy.
Movement: Feeling something- but still not sure what it is.
Sleep: Great but having trouble figuring how to sleep surrounded with pillows
What I miss: more than one diet coke a day, coffee
Symptoms: Feeling great.. just horrific leg cramps.
Best Moment this week: Finding out its a BOY!

The pictures above are perfect for life around here lately.. everything taken off the walls as we prepare to move, and the dogs not leaving my side. I swear they have some weird sense that something is going on. They sleep in the bed, lay at my feet and are more excited than ever when i come home. Its cute and clostraphobic all at the same time.
I am having a great time planning life with a baby. Although lately I have been completely overwhelmed. How is this going to work when I go back to work. Is there enough of my to go around to all the kids at church, Bryan and now Ethan. How do I make sure that Ethan knows he is first. On top of it its been so strange to feel so very normal and not feel any kicking. Maybe its just my personality, maybe its losing a baby.. but I am terrified that something is wrong. The monthly sonograms cant come fast enough. But at the end of the day GOD IS IN CHARGE and He can do infinatly more than I can ever ask or imagine. And for that I have hope.

This week my parents bought me the cutest bedding... the theme of the nursery is calm and literature. I want something calming and I want to surround this kid with books!

And then we went to Canton and saw this amazing diaper bag... SO CUTE!

19 weeks

2010-12-17T17:14:00.000-08:00

How Far Along: 19 weeks
Size of baby: Baby Head is the size of an heirloom tomato
Total Weight Gain/Loss: I dont want to know!
Maternity Clothes: Maternity jeans and stretch pants are a must! Everything is else is normal
Gender: So excited to find out- Find out Monday!!!
Movement: None so far
Sleep: Great but having trouble figuring how to sleep surrounded with pillows
What I miss: Coffee!
Cravings: Pizza, Jalepenos, M&Ms
Symptoms: Feeling great.. just a few leg cramps.
Best Moment this week: Finally feeling normal again.

15

2010-11-21T15:41:00.000-08:00

How Far Along: 15 weeks
Size of baby: Baby Head is the size of a lemon
Total Weight Gain/Loss: I dont want to know!
Maternity Clothes: Maternity jeans and stretch pants are a must!
Gender: Not sure but can't wait to find out!Think its a boy
Movement: None so far
Sleep: Great but starting to have trouble figuring how to sleep not on my stomach.
What I miss: Diet Coke!
Cravings: Pizza, Mexican and ice water
Symptoms: Most everything is gone- nauseous far less, but keep sleep ALL DAY!
Best Moment this week: Today finally feeling normal again.

11 Weeks

2010-10-21T18:30:00.000-07:00

How Far Along: 11 Weeks
Size of baby: Baby Head is the size of a lime!
Total Weight Gain/Loss: I dont want to know!
Maternity Clothes: None yet, but certainly have out the belly band in case! Gender: Not sure but can't wait to find out!
Movement: None so far
Sleep: Great, but getting up at last twice a night for the restroom.
What I miss: Diet Coke!
Cravings: Mexican, Mashed Potatoes, Ice water
Symptoms: Nausea, Vomitting, and super super tired
Best Moment this week: Today finally feeling normal again.

If 2 Heads are better than 1....

2010-10-18T08:57:00.001-07:00

than 3 Heads must be AWESOME!
Head #3 coming May 2011.

In the Meantime 2

2010-04-27T17:54:00.000-07:00

While we wait I love seeing moments like this!

In the meantime...

2010-03-18T11:22:00.000-07:00

When anyone is going through infertility treatment, its a "hurry up and wait" process. Hurry and get all your paperwork finished, rush to the doctor and then "if you could just wait two weeks than we will know what we are dealing with." So I live most of my life "in the meantime.." I suppose we all do. We are often between life changing moments in our life.

So, in the meantime

- I am thankful for a husband who is my cheerleader and number one fan when I feel the world falling out beneath me.
- I am thankful for a group of amazing friends who constantly keep me laughing and joyful.
- I am thankful for a family that enjoys being with each other and that is always there for support.
- I am thankful for a job that I can go to everyday to tell little ears about the love of the Lord.
- and I am thankful for God who's plan is ALWAYS INFINATLY BETTER THAN MINE!

Months away... I hope

2010-03-03T20:14:00.000-08:00

The other day, after getting upset that yet someone else got pregnant after trying for only a month, Bryan asked if I could ever be happy for someone else? At first, it hurt my feelings.. okay lets be honest I was mad. I am happy when my family and friends get pregnant. My heart truly does jump with excitment when someone says "I'm pregnant!"

But lets also be honest about grief. I have found that only women who have walked this road, can understand the insanity and rollercoaster that comes with this kind of grief. Only women who have walked this road can understand the guilt that comes when you believe your body can't do what it is created to do. Its the other women that understand the anger that comes when you see yet another 12 year old on food stamps 9 months pregnant at the Walmart.

It's difficult to be both honest with others and honest with myself. In order to be honest with myself and to be honest with others... that means getting mad or sad at an in appropriate time. It means having to explain yourself and ask for forgiveness. But- to not be truthful with yourself when you're grieving just gets things sticky and everything comes out sidesways and backwards.

So- I am going to chose to be honest and deal wtih the outcome. I will likely cry again in the grocery line when i see that another young celebrity in a fake relationship had a beautiful baby boy. I will like think, or whisper, some snide remark at the 12 year old mothers at Walmart and then have to quickly ask for forgiviness from my husband and the Lord. I will likely have a meltdown if another friend or family member gets pregnant after she first starts crying...

But thats grief... sticky, uncomfortable, authentic, animalistic, selfish, real.

And this too shall pass.

Hope- but not too much

2010-02-02T17:06:00.000-08:00

I am having a really tough time with holding onto hope. I am hopeful that God will provide a child for us. I am hopeful that our doctor knows what he is doing and will do all that he can to make IUI work for us. But I also fall into so much joy and excitment that I get afraid that i will disappointed. How do you do that? How do I get excited that FINALLY we have answers... FINALLY we have a procedure.... and yet I dont want fall into sorrow again if this doesnt work. Does anyone else feel like this? Overwhelmed- loads of overwhelmed-ness!

An Answer

2010-01-28T18:31:00.000-08:00

YEA! Answers. After tons of testing, praying, grieving, giving up and picking ourselves up again... WE HAVE AN ANSWER. And its no big deal and so easy to deal with. So starting in March Bryan and I will have our first IUI. Now our prayers is for it to work and stick the first time

"Not Yet" -- God

2009-11-15T17:07:00.000-08:00

It's a funny thing - that Hope. We continue to rely on the hope and understanding that God wants to and will fulfill the desires of our hears. But often times, at leat in the last year of os trying to have a baby, God's answer has been "Not Yet." Not a "no" not a "yes"... a simple and profound "not yet."

In church last week, the priest told a story that he had read in a local magazine. The story is that a local man had a neighbor that one day decided to put a string up in his back yard and try to walk across it. At first it was a foot off the ground, and it took him months of falling off before he finally walked it... then it was 3 feet off the ground... then 10 feet... then 20 feet. Eventually the man decided he wanted to walk between the 2 towers high above the ground.... pushing a wheel barrell. The neighbor asked the man "Are you sure you can do it?" "Do you think I can do it?" the neighbor replied. "Well of course... I saw you start at a foot, and then 3 feet, and slowly work your way up.. I have watched walk across with ease hundreds of times" "Great- then get in the wheel barrell and I will push you across."

But isnt that what God is asking? Isnt God asking us to trust him. To get in the wheel barrell. We watch him perform miracles all the time, but dont trust him when it comes to our own stuff. In the midst of my grief, I am learning to trust Him. I am learning that He is who He says He is.... and to trust him. At the end of the day I think all God wants to know is "Do you trust me?" Do I trust him to make Bryan and I a baby- yes. Do I trust him that He hasnt forgotten us- yes. Do I have to remind myself of this often so i dont forget- yes.

So we keep on trucking- and praying- and trusting that He is who He says He is and that He will push us to safety on the other side.

I will rest in the "not yets" of prayer and hide tight to hope. White knuckeling if i need to.

Am I Alone?

2009-07-25T15:54:00.000-07:00

Two more friends pregnant. Am I alone in this struggle with infertility? Somedays it sure feels that way. It feels so draining to be happy for all those around you, as you work to continue to trust that the Lord has plans. I don't even know why I am writing today... maybe just to reach out into the unknown ... reach a hand out to see if someone else feels as I do?

Trusting God and holding the hurt- seems I cant do one without the other lately.

We need to breakup..

2009-06-15T18:58:00.000-07:00

I got the idea of "hes just not that into you..." .. but what if we arent talking about a dating a relationship... and we are talking about a friendship.

Okay, so how do you break up with a FRIEND? I understand breaking up a boyfriend. But what about a friend. My friend Katie was right... you can't just say "Lets just be friends" or "It' not you it's me" ... how do you say "goodbye to a friendship that needs to end.

There are times when friendships just outgrow each other. Life keeps on going, years have changed views and opinions. It's not good or bad- it just is. For years, I suppose, I was a hard nut to crack and nothing really got to me. With time, however, I am highly sensitive and friendships with people who are tough and opinionated hurt now.

So how do you break up wiht a friend--- how do you say life has moved on- and i cant have you in it anymore??

Still Holding On

2009-05-21T18:51:00.000-07:00

It's a frustrating feeling... the one you hold when you know what God desires of you- when you know your call in life- and God says "Not yet." That's been His answer to most of my prayers lately.
As Bryan and I have been praying for a child, God has taught both of us so very much. I have loved watching with the kiddos from work. He is typically around when I am at work and so I watch him play ball with the boys, talk to the kids about the Lord, and laugh about cartoons.
The little girls from work adore "Big Bryan." During family camp there was a girl attached to him at all times. His patience, kindness, and authenticity with these precious girls has shown me what an amazing father he will be. In fact, for a guy who wanted so desperatly to have boys- I think his heart has changed to wanting little girls. God may want to protect our bank account and bless us with boys. =)
I pray for our future child each and every day. There will be no child more wanted than our future child. In the midst of the grief I let go of myself- the weight gain, no make up, no dress up, no workout. But God asks that we trust him. So, I trust. I have return to taking care of myself and begun to start each day on my knees surrendering my plan to His. I might be white knuckeling it sometime.. but I am holding on.

2009-04-09T17:14:00.000-07:00

... wont post again till she can transform from "Negative Nancy" to "Positive Polly!"

White Knuckles

2009-04-06T11:53:00.000-07:00

Is it strange that I still think of the baby that we lost? Sometime I stop myself and think 'Gosh sarah... you were barely 3 month... the baby still looked like a blob in there... how could you be so sad?" And yet- I AM! Some days, like today, I am taken back by a wave of grief. There was once a day when I would avoid any feeling like the plague, but today I sit and let it wash over my heart.. I just pray that it doesn't take it down.

Bryan and I want to be pregnant so very badly. We want the blessing of raising a child. The "well intentioned" friends that speak words of "it will come..." " its only been a few months..." "you're still young..." "just dont think about it..." must not have ever been in this place.

There are days when the hope of seeing that pregnant pregnancy test AND still being pregnant at week 13 seems nearly impossible. In fact there are days I so try to convince my heart that I dont want to be a mother... but it doesn't seem to be listening.

My knuckles are turning white as I hold onto the last strain of hope that I have...

How Do you Hold Both?

2009-03-22T09:18:00.000-07:00

(1) The knowledge that our God is awesome God!! That he loves because HE IS LOVE! That His ways are alwas best. That His timing isn't always our timing... but its the best. That He wants what is best for his children.

(2) We are still not pregnant. The pain of another month without a baby. The ache to be a mother and father that Bryan and I hold.

Good Intentions Always Seem to Get in the Way

2009-03-12T08:54:00.000-07:00

On the day that we got married, Bryan and I swore before God and our families that we would stand side-by-side for the rest of our lives. In good times and in bad, I would be holding his hand and do all in my part to continue to put God in the center of our relationship....

But I don't know about the rest of you, but sometimes life gets in the way and our best intentions lead us astray. I have a job that I adore, but is a "tad" demanding on my time and energy. It makes me upset just thinking of it, but I have allowed my job and ministry stray me away from my time with my adorable husband. He has sat back, been my biggest cheerleader, volunteered to help me, and many a day had to spend time alone because of my strange hours.

When I think about it, Jesus ministry was ALL relationships. It was in the intimacy that He created with others that He really did the "real" work. If I do nothing else in life- I want to be a good wife. I want to be a wife who put her family first and did everything in her power to encourage her husband. I must change my lifestyle to do that.

I love you Bryan. We certainly have already had our fair share of "for worse..." ... may 2009 be the year of the Head and bring us far more "for betters!"

Make A Child Smile

2009-03-04T08:25:00.000-08:00

I found this website and think it is so very special. Make a Child Smile Organization it a place where you can find termanilly ill kiddos who need a little happiness. If you go on their website you can find more about each child, their story, and find their address. I urge all of you to find one child to write a note to and dedicate to drop a letter in the mail this week.
http://www.makeachildsmile.org/featured_kids.shtml

The Sunshine of My Days....

2009-03-04T07:06:00.000-08:00

Baby Gracie & LIfe in General

2009-03-03T06:35:00.000-08:00

My heart is heavy with the death of sweet Baby Gracie. Each day I am surrounded by kids with multiple physical or neurological differences. Many a day I have a toddler with down syndrome wander into my office to admire all the toys I keep in here. With the many sweet babies I see in the office and on multiple blogs, I realize that God bestows babies on parents that can handle it. I never thought I could be one that could handle the loss of a baby, but I am still walking. Bryan and I had long talk last night and realized that we were meant to be parents- WHATEVER THAT LOOKS LIKE. God is a mighty and loving God.. I wil never understand why these sweet babies are born just to suffer or to return to Him to very quickly... but I just trust that He is God and I am not. He has to know more than I do. So, mighty God, Bryan and I are ready to bare your children... and we will love and cherish the little heart that you bestow on us! FOREVER!

Through the Grief

2009-03-01T13:29:00.000-08:00

Bryan is the "sound guy" at church, and so during the service he sits up in the catwalk and plays with the sound board. He loves the chance to be able to worship and drink Dr Pepper at the same time. Today, I sat with him. I was in no mood to talk to God at all... or His people. Two more friends had announced their pregnancys, the priest's wife had a precious baby boy on Thursday- and all I could do was see my grief.

The screen that Bryan has to look through to see the service looks like chicken wire with mesh over it. You can see whats going- but it's just a little fuzzy. Then it dawned on me- THATS IT! I have gotten myself stuck on the idea that I have to either be "over the loss" and happy for everyone else, or grief stricken. Maybe I can be both. Maybe I can look at the joy THROUGH the glasses of grief. I can be present and joyful with my friends, as my heart truly rejoices with them for their tiny miracles, and I can still be sad at the loss of our own baby. I can plan and dream with others and still be able to mourn the plans I had with my own little family. And as I can sit with their joy, they can be there to instill a little more needed hope in my heart.

Maybe I should I give up grief for Lent- for God knows the desires of our hearts- He just doesn't always answer how we would like Him to... or when we want Him to.

It's a funny thing...

2009-01-20T14:05:00.000-08:00

... that grief. I still don't understand how Charlie Brown could ever call is "Good Grief." Maybe that's a lesson I have yet to learn... cause let's face it.. GRIEF SUCKS! Since the loss of the baby I think I have felt just about every emotion known to man. And when I say "felt it" I mean feel in the deepest way possible.

Somedays life goes on... it's no big deal... its a fluke.... I can have another baby... I felt that and moved on. Than the next, on days much like today, its hard to get out of bed. I isolate from friends with babies or who are pregnant cause I dont want fake it. I know that God isn't a god of fear and wants so desperatly for us to hold on to the HOPE that He has fo rus. He will fulfil the desires of our heart if we are searching after Him. So... for now... for today... at the end of my rope... I will tie a knot and hold on for dear life. I will cling to this knot of hope and pull up every ounce of patience that lies within me.

Praying for Harper

2009-01-20T07:23:00.000-08:00

Please pray for this precious girl. http://www.kellyskornerblog.com/

wedding book

2009-01-15T12:06:00.001-08:00

View Project at Shutterfly

Hi Friends,

This year I have started to make online scrapbooks. With the economy the way it is, it seems like the the prices it takes to make a "Real" scrapbook are just going through the roof. I enjoy doing the online ones so much that I am starting to do them for others.

These scrapbooks come in many different sizes, pages, and themes. I can make them for any occasion (summer vacation, first year of a child's life, year in review book, birthday gifts, personalized cookbooks... so many ideas. I am started to make one with all the art I have drawn over the years since its just taking up space in the house.

The prices of these books range from $30-100. If you would like one, and just dont have the time to put it together let me know. I have such a passion for them.

Doctors Appointments

2009-01-10T19:16:00.000-08:00

Well this has been a week of doctors apppointments. Thursday we had Bryan's back doctors check up. It's been nearly 5 months since his surgery and its been amazing to see the transition. Where at one point he was at a 9 on the pain level scale- most days he is at a 1 now. Thank God for Titanium Rods!

Everything is great with him- he can start working out now and feels so much now. We dont have to go back for 5 months. And to top it off- he got clearance for everything (but rollercoaster) for our DisneyWorld trip.

Then we had the OB on Friday to have a checkup after my surgery. I had mixed feelings on going. I wanted to hear that everything was great- but in my heart nothing is great right now. Everything right now everything is "back to normal." The surgery went well, the scars are beginning to heal and my body is beginning to understand that I am not pregnant anymore. As soon as it does- we will be able to try again. I pray that next time we try its going to be just as easy as it was this time. There will be joy to come of this tragedy... its yet to be seen but it WILL happen.

For now I am focusing on all the love I have for my beautiful husband and the vows we took. I am one lucky lady.

Lately

2009-01-06T14:18:00.000-08:00

For those who didn't know, I was recently hospitalized with an ectopic pregnancy. I knew something was wrong the whole time I suppose- I was just really hoping Bryan was right and that I was just a worry wart. We were/are heartbroken that the pregnancy didnt keep, and sad that those 2.5 months of planning and getting excited are lost.
Its a weird feeling- Grief. I suppose its a little bit of everything all rolled into one big label. Af=t first I thought for sure it was all just a bad dream. Which turned into disillusion... which turned into anger that all my friends were having healthy babies and I can't.... which turned into desperation and loss.... which turned into sadness... which turned into anger... which turned into hope.... and sometimes all in one day.
I know God will grant Bry and I a baby.... for there is NOTHING in this world I want to do more than to be a mother and Bryan wants so badly to be a father. I just don't know how he will do it or when.
Right now my outlook is bright (the roses from my husband helping to brighten the mood). God is faithful- even when you can't see it. I will hold to that as I walk through these days not feeling him very much.

You can't pick your family....

2008-10-27T11:31:00.001-07:00

Just a little thought--- you can't pick your family. God does that and somedays I question his thinking... but reguardless you might as well apreciate them for what they are.

So I have been tagged so here are 7 random facts about me:

1) I can't sit down and relax if cabinet doors are open/there is dust/or the kitchen is dirty. I have grown more and more obsessed with this lately...to Bryan's pure annoyance.. but I seriously can not relax if I look and there is dust on the coffee table. And living with 2 dogs that shed does not leave much time for relaxation.

2) I often have fashion shows with myself (and if they are lucky.. my dogs). Especially at the beginning of a season I get out ALL my old clothes and try things on- typically prancing in front of the mirror to Pink or Aerosmith.

3) I will not eat casserole leftovers, Diet Coke from a can, or milk.

4) I LOVE Mariska Hargitay!

5) I have had my baby names picked out for 10 years. Bailey Grace and Parker Daniel. Bryan hates Parker... so its back to the drawing board.

6) I throw away half drunk cans/cups if I think they are making a table looking messy... this also annoys Bryan when he gets up to walk the dogs and comes home to no more Mountain Dew.

7) I have an extreme fear of ferretts and rats! It's weird. I will have nightmares that keep me up about little hairy rodents... AHH!! GROSS!!!

I now tag

Mandy
Melissa

God's Faithfulness.. in the midst of my uncertainty

2008-10-22T08:14:00.000-07:00

Well I have been a mess about Bryan's promotion. ALthough my words say that I trust in God's faithfulness, sometimes my heart wants to (and does) take back the reigns and take charge of the situation when I dont feel He is working fast enough. But- once again He is proven Soverign and Faithful. We have been praying for healing for Bryans back (check), a safe return to work (check), and now his promotion (check). He aced his managment test and will be having his board interviews soon for fulltime UPS manager. Better yet- it sounds like we will be able to stay in the DFW area! So many blessings- although undeserved I am beyond thankful. And thankful for a husband who points out to me that it's not of our doing, but of Gods!!

Dog backwards is God--- that's no accident!

2008-10-22T07:56:00.000-07:00

I got Jake senior year of college. Both of the dogs I had growing up died within a month of each other and I just lost it. It was like Where the Redfern Grows... You never know how much you love something till you dont have it.. thats for sure. Honestly I think it was just to shut me up, but my roommates came together and bought me Jake. Liz and I went up the Waco pound and found Jake's litter.. they were wall yappy and crazy... except Jake. Who, much like he is today, was sleeping soundly in the back.

Jake has been my constant companion for the last 6 years. He has moved with me 6 times, say up with in the middle of nights of recovery, been my sounding board as I questioned my place in life, and now the best friend of my husband! He has taught me much about compassion, indurance, and patience... and Love... LOTS OF LOVE!

Peeka is the newest member of the family. I HATED little dogs till this little thing. Bryan, on the other hand, wanted a dog to sit on his lap while I was at work (since Jake is happy laying alone in the other room).... so I bought him Peeka in March. She is a mess.... and has given us a sign of what parenting a toddler may look like. She is constantly demanding attention, doing things to make you pick her up and kiss her... this little thing is nonstop. And.. believe it or not... I adore her! She and Jake are now best buds and sleep together. She will do anything to get close to her brother... he doesnt care, but I swear I see him roll his eyes at her sometimes!!
I can't wait to see how they will react to a baby someday!

I dont know if you could tell , but Jakes favorite place is resting his head on our coffee table, while peeka likes to sneak underneath it!! A glass coffee table is a BAD idea with nose marks all over it! The last picture is of Bryan making Peeka into the easter bunny!!

Why I love my job....

2008-10-20T10:50:00.000-07:00

This is why I love my job....

How can you look at these sweet faces and not realize what Jesus

was saying about having faith like a child. Although I am so ready

to have my own child, I have to admit that it is nice to have them

go HOME after church!

Where did it go?

2008-10-18T10:17:00.000-07:00

Somehow we let love slip away. IN the midst of our maddening lives we become human doings and not human beings. We let our jobs, our stress, and ourselves get in the way of the reason I think we are here to begin with- TO LOVE and TO BE!

This weekend I got the chance to do both of them. Since we have been married, Bryan and my life have been a constant mad race for something... it was first a race to get on the road to the honeymoon, then his promotion, my new job, his back surgery, recovering from his back surgery, an addition to my job and his 2nd promotion. Life- stress- money- they sneek in and stole my joy away. But this weekend I just "was." We did nothing- ran errands, layed in bed watching movies, reminded eachother of why we fell in love to begin with...

We are only here once, and it's not for too long... why spend it doing and going and pushing... no one else on the planet lives like us insane Americans do. Today I chose to be a human "being" even in the midst of my busy schedule. I chose to be still and know that He is God and thank Him that I am not!

My Teachers

2008-10-16T08:00:00.001-07:00

Lately I have been suprised of who God has used to teach me more about Him... its been my sweet husband who is just now finding out and learning about the Lord and the little kids at church.

During Sunday School I gather all the kids together and have them act out the Bible Story. I figure it works on two counts... they can get out their skirms and they may just learn something by doing it. Last week was Cain and Abel... yea how do you teach 3 year olds that a brother killed his brother. Well of course the most dramatic boys got up to act it out and the death sceen was something from a horrible silent film. Once the story was over I asked if anyone had questions. One of the 4 year olds asked why he would do that.. "its always better to just talk to someone.." "why wouldnt God come in and save Abel?" Good Questions... what happens as adults that we stop asking questions... we pretend we know it all and that we have it all figured out. No wonder Jesus asked us to come to Him like children. With selfless abandon they run to him and pull out their quetions about EVERYTHING! Why shouldn't we... when we stop asking questions we stop believing in the mystery of it all..

Bryan has taught me more about unconditional love than anyone ever has. For someone who is just beginning to grasp the intensity of the Lord's Love he certainly knows how to give it. Maybe he knows more about Him than he is letting on. Bryan has shown undying support and love reguardless of my days... in the midst of intense struggle, depression, and joy (sometimes all within an hour) he has not wavered. He is the same no matter how I am.

I wonder who else God will use to teach me about himself... today I chose to be open to whoever or whatever that is!

Sinner and Saint

2008-10-15T08:24:00.000-07:00

Ever just feel lost. You look around one day and you ask yourself how in the heck did I get here. I think, that many people have the notion that if you work in a church that somehow you have it all together. That isn't true at all. I believe the most broken people I know work for the ministries in one form or another. Although I teach children about the Love and Grace of God that in no way means that I am better than the rest. I battle my own demons on a daily basis. I have to fight addiction, jealousy, insecurity, gossip, and hatred daily. It's just that I have an army fighting with me. When the Lord is on your side there is a peace that comes with facing your demons. Am I better because I work for a church... heck no... hell no! Maybe its just that I have hit the bottom and have watched as the Lord has pulled me out.. how can you not tell others about that??

On an ENTIRELY different note.. and showing my still very childish side.. I am feeling a bit left out with all my friends blogs having their babies (or soon to be babies) on their site. SO- here are pictures of MY babies.... I am not bragging- but seriously... TOO CUTE!!

Yes - No - I have a better idea...

2008-10-14T18:01:00.000-07:00

I think God has three answers to our prayers... "Yes" (which I rarely hear) "No" and "I have a better idea." It's hard t hear that last one huh? When I think about waiting for Bryans job... wanting a baby... wanting a house...all these things that my head said "NOW!!" and God saiys ""I have a better idea!" Its a better idea to stay and wait ... to be patient.. to enjoy life where I am with what I have.

To get me out of this funk.... I chose to think about my blessings. Have you ever just sat down and thanked the Lord for everything he has done for you? I mean really EVERYTHING?? The sunrise, the rain, hearing my dogs play in the other room, watching my mom eating fried pie, Bryan's recovery, that I have a place to live to begin with, that I have a job.....honestly it would take days.

So now- I chose to be thankful. In the middle of the storm there is always hope for the sunset.